A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’ He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’

So, she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in a jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said,’ That was incredible!’

He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.’ So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about fifty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, hardly out of breath.

He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’

‘No.’ she said, ‘I was a hooker in Warroad, Minnesota and I worked both sides of Lake Of The Woods.’

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.,” she said… “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl.. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another.. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS,  ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE. IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida: (True or not it is a great story.)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! GET OUT OF THE CAR!”…

The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment…make it memorable!

 A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that truck???!!!’

He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’

‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘this one cost me just fifteen dollars.’

So the parents began to yell even louder. ‘Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?’ they  said.

‘It was the lady up the street,’ said the boy.  I don’t know her  name – they just moved in.  She saw me ride past on my bike and asked        me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.

‘Oh my Goodness!,’ moaned the mother, ‘she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?  John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.’

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new        Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back.  He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and put the money in his account.  So I did.’

(Are women good or what?)

Steve Berry’s latest Cotton Malone adventure, The Lincoln Myth, is interesting on a couple of levels, First, as always with Berry’s writing we have a well written and continually interesting novel. Second a lot of the documents referenced and the things that happen are plucked from the historical record. This makes the “Writer’s Notes”, something I generally ignore, very interesting as Berry details which items in the book are real, which are fiction and which are a mix of the two. For those unfamiliar with the Cotton Malone series, Malone is a retired CIA operative who now operates a bookstore in Copenhagen Denmark but gets pulled back into action by his former employer. Here we have a current-day rouge element in the Mormon Church plotting something with the potential to bring down the United States. So I suppose you are wondering what could our 16th President have to do with something happening in the 21st century? This gets to the guts of the story and I will not spoil it for you. Mix in the current President of the United States, his nephew, Malone’s sometime Lover, a ride for Malone in a Mach 2 fighter plane, an operation in Europe, the colorful aforementioned rouge element and assorted mayhem resulting in a highly recommended read. And if you read the book don’t miss the Writer’s Notes.

After reading Robert Bidinotto’s first book, Hunter: A Thriller, I looked forward to his second offering Bad Deeds that once again features Dylan Hunter in a starring role. Hunter, a freelance investigative journalist with a past, mixes a Little of characters in other authors work – think Lee Child’s Jack Reacher, Vince Flynn’s Mitch Rapp and Stuart Woods’ Stone Barrington.. Here we have an ex-CIA agent that now works outside of any organization battling injustices. The storyline follows Hunter’s fight with a well-funded fringe environmental group bent on shutting down fracking operations. The source of the funding and the political intrigue will probably not surprise you but the way Bidinotto ties it together has more than a couple of twists.   Being independently wealthy Hunter is not constrained by financial concerns as he forges ahead. He adopts, and switches between identities and surrounds himself with a few interesting sidekicks – in this book a computer genius nicknamed Monk. Add to this a girlfriend, Ann Woods, who is still with the CIA and you end up with a very tightly written work and one that is once again highly recommended.

To save you the trouble of searching for my earlier review here is a repost of my December 2011 Review of Bidinotto’s First Novel

Generally speaking I shy away from first-time novelists but after reading the “Click to Look Inside” feature on the Amazon website I decided to give Hunter: A Thriller a try. While the author, Robert Bidinotto, is a first-time novelist he is an accomplished journalist and author and this work clearly demonstrates his skill. The protagonist in Hunter: A Thriller is Dylan Hunter a freelance investigative journalist with a past. As the story progresses the many sides of Dylan Hunter unfold in some interesting and unexpected ways. Fans of Lee Child’s Jack Reacher and Vince Flynn’s Mitch Rapp will find a lot to like here. The supporting cast of characters, even some of the minor characters, is colorful and well developed by the author. Wait until you read the description of Wonk, Hunter’s researcher. Hunter’s developing love interest, and the other principal character in the novel Ann Woods, is a CIA agent making for some interesting tie-ins. Another key character, Alexandria Virginia police Detective Cronin’s parting comment to Hunter “Stay the hell away from Alexandria” might provide more insight into the interplay here.

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.

With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humor: “No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving …on the other side?

The 1st Affair  

A married man was having an affair  with his secretary.  One day they went to  her place and made love all  afternoon.  Exhausted, they fell  asleep  and woke up at 8 PM.  The man hurriedly dressed and  told his lover to take his shoes  outside and rub them in the grass and  dirt. He put on his shoes and  drove home.  Where have you been?’  his wife demanded.  ‘I can’t lie to  you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an  affair with my secretary.. We had sex  all afternoon.’  She looked down at  his shoes and said: ‘You lying  bastard!  You’ve been playing  golf!’   

The  2nd Affair  

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful  daughters  but always talked about  having a son. They decided to try  one last time for the son they always  wanted. The wife got  pregnant and delivered a healthy baby  boy.  The joyful father rushed to  the nursery to see his new son.  He was horrified at the ugliest  child he had ever seen.  He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I  can be the father of this baby.  Look at the two beautiful daughters I  fathered! Have you been fooling around  behind my back?’ The wife smiled  sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this  time!’   

The  3rd Affair  

A  mortician was working late one night.  He examined the body of Mr.  Schwartz,  about to be cremated,  and made a startling discovery.  Schwartz had the largest private part  he had ever seen! ‘I’m sorry  Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician  commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be  cremated with such an impressive  private part. It must be saved for  posterity.’  So, he removed  it, stuffed it into his  briefcase, and took it home.  ‘I have something to show you  won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,  Opening his briefcase. ‘My  God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is  dead!’

The  4th Affair  

A  woman was in bed with her lover when  she heard her husband  opening the  front door. Hurry,’ she said,  ‘stand in the corner.’ She rubbed  baby oil all over him, then dusted him  with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move  until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend  you’re a statue.’ ‘What’s this?’  the husband inquired as he entered the  room.. Oh it’s a statue,’ she  replied.  ‘The Smiths bought one and I  liked it so I got one for us,  too.’  No more was said, not even when they went to bed.  Around 2 AM the husband got up,  went to the kitchen and returned  with a sandwich and a beer.  ‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have  this.  I stood like that for two days  at the Smiths and nobody offered me a  damned thing.’

The  5th Affair  

A  man walked into a cafe, went to the  bar and ordered a beer.  ‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one  cent.’ ‘One Cent?’ the man  exclaimed…He glanced at the menu  and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy  steak and a bottle of wine?’   ‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.  ‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’  The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’ The  man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs  with your wife?’ The bartender  replied: ‘The same thing I’m  doing to his business down  here.’

The  6th & Best Affair  

Jake was  dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  He looked up and said weakly:  ‘I have something I must confess.’  ‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife  replied.  ‘No,’ he insisted,   ‘I want to die in peace..I slept  with your sister, your best friend,  her best friend, and your mother!’  ‘I know,’ she replied.  ‘Now  just rest and let the poison work.’ 

(Insert School Of Your Choice) Football Coach on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

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What does the average (Insert School Of Your Choice) player get on his SATs? Drool.

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How many (Insert School Of Your Choice) freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a sophomore course.

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Two (Insert School Of Your Choice) football players were walking in the woods. One of them said, “Look, a dead bird.” The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?

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What do you say to a University of (Insert School Of Your Choice) football player dressed in a three-piece suit? ” “Will the defendant please rise.”

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If three (Insert School Of Your Choice) football players are in the same car, who is driving? The police officer.

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How can you tell if an (Insert School Of Your Choice) football player has a girlfriend? There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

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University of (Insert School Of Your Choice) Football Coach is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.

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How is the (Insert School Of Your Choice) football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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Why did the (Insert School Of Your Choice) linebacker steal a police car? He saw “911” on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

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How do you get a former (Insert School Of Your Choice) football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

One buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of  “Marketing.”   Well, here it is:

* You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.  You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Direct Marketing.

* You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.  One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”

That’s Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink.  You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

* You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

*You’re at a party and see a handsome guy.  He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That’s a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can’t satisfy him so she calls you.

That’s Tech Support.

* You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, I’m fantastic in bed!”

That’s Facebook.

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That’s former President Bill Clinton

* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That’s America! ! !