Earlier this week I posted the Mensa word play item. Below is a look at redefining words. The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.  And the winners are:

• Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
• Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
• Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
• Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
• Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
• Negligent, adj. Absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
• Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
• Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
• Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
• Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
• Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
• Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
• Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
• Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
• Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
• Circumvent, n .An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

1. You can say Hohokam and no one thinks you’re making it up.

2. You no longer associate rivers or bridges with water.

3. You know that a “swamp cooler” is not a happy hour drink.

4. You can contemplate a high temperature of 120 degrees as “not all that bad, after all it’s a dry heat.”

5. You know that you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave.

6. You have to run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use your fireplace.

7. The water coming from the “cold” tap is hotter than that from the hot” tap.

8. You can correctly pronounce the following words: “Saguaro”, “Tempe”, “Gila Bend”, “San Xavier del Bac”, “Canyon de Chelly”, “Mogollon Rim”, “Cholla”, and “Tlaquepaque”, “Ajo”.

9. It’s noon on a weekday in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one single person is moving on the streets.

10. Hot air balloons can’t fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.

11. You buy salsa by the gallon.

12. Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and 100 paper bags.

13. You think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever.

14. Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name “El” or “Los.”

15. You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

16. You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

17. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

18. People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70.

19. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

20. The pool can be warmer than you are.

21. You realize Valley Fever isn’t a disco dance.

22. People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

23. You know better than to get into a car/truck with leather seats if you’re wearing shorts.

24. Announcements for Fourth of July events always end with “in case of monsoon…”

25. You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight savings time

26. You can say “haboob” without gigglin

The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid
7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)
11. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n):The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff. “I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!” So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW–SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers.  The ‘school
crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the
sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?” The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign… it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers…” So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood.

NUDIST COLONY GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store; there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help me.

I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, “This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.”

The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:

…..1/3 ownership in the store,

…..a company pickup truck

…..a king size bed and

…..$3,000 a month in living expenses.”

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, ‘Son, how old are you?’

‘Eight’, the boy replied

The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’

The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”

“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.

“Yes.” the boy said. “We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those.”

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia.  How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman:  How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman:  I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:  So, what happened?

2nd woman:  I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken

She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now… ??????

This morning while driving from Alexandria Minnesota to the Twin Cities we were passed by a convoy of law enforcement vehicles – 5 to be exact. Two were Douglas County Sheriff’s vehicles, one from the Grant County Sheriff, one from the Ottertail County Sheriff and one from the City of Alexandria. Given that today is the funeral for the fallen Mendota Heights office more than likely they are headed for the funeral. Whatever, it was totally obvious that they were not on some emergency run – no flashing lights was one clue. That said, the convoy was rolling along at at least 80 MPH, and probably more, in a 70 MPH zone. This in a timeframe where the State of Minnesota is in the midst of a campaign on speeding! Oh, by the way this was before 8:00 a.m. and the funeral was not until 11:00 so they had not need to hurry.

Now, given that most states have speed limits on their parts of the interstate highway system at 75 MPH, and in come cases 80 MPH, I will submit that Minnesota’s 70 MPH speed limit on the outstate freeway system is archaic and needs a review. But, and it is a big but, why in a period where the gods in St. Paul are running a “No Speeding” campaign would five of those charged with the responsibility for enforcing those speed limits feel that they could ignore what us, the unwashed, are expected to adhere to? My guess is that even though those of us in the unwashed category pay the taxes that fund their salaries many of our public employees feel they are above the law? Too harsh, maybe but as the title of this post suggests “Sometimes What’s Good For The Goose Is Not Good For The Gander – Or Maybe It’s The Other Way Around”.

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘prejudice’ these days…………….

A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”

The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”