With all of this running through our heads during the swing it is no wonder that we sometimes don’t hit the ball where we want! We golfers know instinctively that there is only time for one swing thought but as you can see below that doesn’t always work. Maybe, just maybe, there is a message here for the other facets of our lives?
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.
“ The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build new penises. They work great, but they don’t come cheap. They cost $1000 an inch.
“ The man perks up. ”So,” the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. Since you have been married for over thirty years, this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.
“ The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?” “Yes I have,” says the man. “And has she helped you make a decision?”
“Yes” says the man.
“What is your decision?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting granite counter tops.”
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers’ lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, Officer?”
The trooper asks: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: “And, her, what is she doing?
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s filing her fingernails.”
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover’s lane and nothing is happening!
The trooper asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says: “I’m 22, sir.
The trooper asks: “And her, what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!’
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, was Blue Bird’s cousin, She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’ Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!
Why ??? OH, come on… Take a guess !!
Think about it !!!
You’re going to love this !!!
Everyone knows.. You can’t kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famously erudite (comic) scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.” His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.
And the all-time favorite: If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophilles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.
… When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
… A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
… When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U. C. L. A.
… The batteries were given out free of charge.
… A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
… A will is a dead giveaway
… With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
… A boiled egg is hard to beat.
… When you’ve seen one shopping Center you’ve seen a mall.
… Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
… Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
… A bicycle can’t stand alone it is two tired..
… When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
… The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
… He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
… When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
… Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop
… Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
Have any of you really thought about the logistics of the journey these children crossing the Texas border have supposedly made? I know it seemed like a heck of a long trip to me, however, until you look at the reality of the situation by looking at the miles guide on a map, the task is actually more daunting than can be imagined. Well over 1200 miles during the absolute hottest time of the year through some amazingly inhospitable territory. I think the media and the president are pulling our leg. Just a thought. My guess is big buses or lots and lots of cars.
Imagine you are a 3 year old to 8 year old child. You are on your own without adults. You are asked to walk from Houston, Texas to Minneapolis, Minnesota on your own with no food or belongings to sustain you. Then you are asked to walk an additional 100 miles past Minneapolis.
Could you do it? How long would it take you as a 6 year old? That is the minimum distance these poor, helpless little ones have supposedly walked from Central America to the border of Texas, again, on their own. They didn’t get lost. And they survived the journey without help (unless you buy in to the notion that a destitute out-of-work family run out of their homes by gangs and living in squalor somehow came up with $8,000 to $10,000 for EACH child to pay a coyote to take them to the border). How many days would it take for a 6 year old to walk 1220 miles without help, directions, food, sun protection, etc.?
I don’t think the truth is being given to us, folks.
Someone created and assisted this migration; Any ideas on the likely candidates? The media should be figuring out who it is and reporting the truth. Wait .. they can’t do that because it might be the current administration. I’ll ask you to write your Congressional representatives and ask them the question above. I would be interested in knowing the answers you get .. if any.
Regards,
C2
If you don’t know GOD, don’t make stupid remarks!
A young Canadian paratrooper was taking some college courses between assignments. He had completed 3 tours of duty in Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the Canadian Civil Liberties Association (CCLA).
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, “GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform… I’ll give you exactly 15 min.”
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am GOD, I’m still waiting.”
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him clean off the platform. The professor was down & out cold.
The young soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked,
“What in the world is the matter with you? Why did you do that?”
The young soldier stood up and calmly replied, “GOD was too busy today protecting soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an idiot. So He sent me.”
The classroom erupted in cheers!
THIS IS GOOD, KEEP IT GOING!
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
“Gentlemen, remember — you’re in this together. It wouldn’t hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
“Yes?” said the Instructor.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
This level of sensitivity can’t be taught.
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa . He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
“Sure,” said the pro, “What’s your handicap?”
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. “Well, it’s 16,” said the businessman, “but what’s the relevance since I’ll be playing alone?”
“It’s very important for us to know,” said the pro, who then called a caddy.
“Go out with this gentleman,” said the pro, “his handicap is 16.” The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman’s bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4. “It’s wise to avoid those trees on the left,” said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. “That’s the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa . You’re lucky I was here with you.”
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5. “Good to avoid those bushes on the right,” says the caddy. Of course, the businessman’s ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy’s rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. “I’ve saved your life again,” said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman’s ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. “Why didn’t you kill it?” asked the man incredulously.
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the caddy. “This is the 17th handicap hole. You don’t get a shot here.”
And that is another reason why one should never lie about handicaps.
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