Number One Idiot: I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.Today, this Woman called in very upset because she caught her littledaughter eating ants.I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there wouldbe no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mentionthat she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here’s your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

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Number Two Idiot: Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed aCoast Guard helicopter coming toward them.It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here’s your sign, guys. Don’t get it wet; the paint might run.

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Number Three Idiot: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, “Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America   and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back atBank of America.Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t read it anyway.

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Number Four Idiot: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.He immediately mailed in his $40.Wise guy but you still get a sign.

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Number Five Idiot: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his walletand gave it to the clerk.The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21and she put the Scotch in the bag.The robber then ran from the store with his loot.The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.This guy definitely needs a sign.

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Idiot Number Six: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn’t even deserve a sign. (Must have been a Wolverine football player- GO BLUE).

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Idiot Number Seven: Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious.It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.The whole event was caught on videotape.Yep, here’s your sign.

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Idiot Number Eight: I live in a semi-rural area.We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.” Take the sign down Please!

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Stay Alert!   They walk among us… they Reproduce   … they Vote and a lot of them hold or have held public office.

The full year has yet not passed, but there are so many candidates, that we cannot wait until December!!!!! As you may recall, the Darwin Awards are presented (posthumously) to people who have elected to remove themselves from the gene pool in a creative way.

Darwin Awards 2014

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a “farm-type truck.” Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns’ clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns “wrapped in the drive shaft.”

Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was “one of the best and brightest” members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin had spent several years awaiting South Carolina’s electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A Dunkirk, IN man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff’s investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents’ rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54 caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. “Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred,” said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. “It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony,” Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole’s pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the ..22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. “Thank God we weren’t on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead,” stated Wallis “I’ve been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can’t believe that those two would admit how this accident happened,” said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia Poole (Poole’s wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck?

Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks,  “What are you having done?”

The second boy says, “I’m getting my tonsils out, and I’m afraid.” The first boy says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about.  I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second boy then asks, “What are you going in for?” The first boy says, “Circumcision.” “Whoa!” the smaller boy replies. “Good luck, buddy.  I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”

A flat chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, ‘Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!’ 

She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes
And said, ‘Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.’

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ‘

Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu’s?’

Yes I am.. How did you know?’

He winked and whispered, ‘ Hickory dickory dock’…

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Yaw know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation.  Only this year I’m gonna do it different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

“I’m takin’ Earlene with me.”

One Tough Hombre

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie. With the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales…

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, “I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.”

Ben, from Idaho, couldn’t stand to be bested. “That’s nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattlerslid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn’t even get a belly ache.”

Old Jack, the cowboy from North Dakota, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

As I have grown older: I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

On Lance Armstrong: I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.

Drive By: A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging: On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, “You better get your hearing checked – You’re supposed to turn your clock back”.

VIDEO SCAM: Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled “My Favorite 18 Holes”. Turns out it’s all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don’t get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute: Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, “do you know who the father is?” “Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

Happy 4th of July to all. Here are a couple of items to add a little frivolity to the day.

BURIAL PLANS


A man and woman were married for many years.  Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.  The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” 
  
Neighbors feared him.  The old man liked the fact that he was feared.  Then one evening, he kicked the bucket, when he was 98.

After the burial,  her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

(HERE IT COMES!!!)

The wife said,  ” Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down…and I know he won’t ask for directions.”

A mature (over 60) lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what? 

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don’t Mess With Mature Ladies. If you want to brighten someone’s day, pass this on to someone you know who likes a chuckle.
I just did!

I do not normally post links in my blog posts. However, today I received a post that I feel needs wide distribution. Jonathan Turley, a liberal Law Professor at George Washington University and Ron Johnson a Republican senator from Wisconsin, two that generally disagree, co-wrote an article in the Washington Post titled; Restoring Balance Among The Branches. You can find article here  http://jonathanturley.org/2014/06/30/restoring-balance-among-the-branches/#more-80641.

Maybe, just maybe, if we can get others on both sides of the aisle to talk to each other instead of at each other we can see some progress and restore balance to our government. Let’s face it, it is the only government we have and it needs to function as it was intended.