Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.  His assistant walked up to him and said, 
’This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’  The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. 

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.  He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’ 

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

<<>>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

<<>>


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

<<>>

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’

Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’

Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

<<>>

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’

‘ Twelve thirty..’

<<>>

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

<<>>

One more. . ..! 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. 

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ 

’No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog – “No good in a bed but fine against the wall”.- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.” – Lillian Carter (Mother of Jimmy Carter)

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. – Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible – George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. – Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . – Joe Namath

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I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. – Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. – W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. – Will Rogers

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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. – Winston Churchill

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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. – Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. – Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist’ s diet: – If it tastes good spit it out.

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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.

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When you’re from the farm, especially in South Dakota, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9 years old, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” asked the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says,

“I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment . . . then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $ 500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

So very true!

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed, I knew 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT” He didn’t seem suspicious in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh crap!’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

A blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
 
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  

”Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch,” she said.   
”How much will you charge me?” 

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 
”How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.  

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 
”Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?” 

”That’s a bit patronizing, isn’t it?” he responded, 
“She can see that it does.”

The wife replied, 
”You’re right.  I guess I’m starting to believe all those blonde jokes.”

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  

”You’re finished already??” 
The startled husband asked.  

”Yes,” the blonde replied, 
”And I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.” 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

“Thank you,” the blonde said, 
”And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’

’It depends,’ I replied.  ‘What does it say on your shirt?’ 

He yelled back, ‘ OHIO STATE !’ 

And they say blondes are dumb.

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,  ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world…’ 

The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you ‘.

‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. ‘Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’ ‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? 

A: A rumor.

Dear Lord, 
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. 

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death. 

AMEN.

Q: Why do little boys whine? 

A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? 

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? 

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? 

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? 

A: Rename the email folder ‘Instruction Manuals’

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world . . . then He made the earth round.

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day! 

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Life just gets better as you get older too

Those who have followed my blog know that Thomas Jefferson rates with me as one of the greatest men our country was blessed to have. That said it is sometimes easy to forget just how great Jefferson was but the following chronology gives a brief view. One indication of that is the quote from John Kennedy.

Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.

At 5, began studying under his cousin’s tutor.

At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.

At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages

At 16, entered the College of William and Mary. Also could write in Greek with one hand while writing the same in Latin with the other.

At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.

At 23, started his own law practice.

At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.

At 31, wrote the widely circulated “Summary View of the Rights of British America” and retired from his law practice.

At 32, was a Delegate to the Second Continental Congress.

At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence.

At 33, took three years to revise Virginia’s legal code and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.

At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia succeeding Patrick Henry.

At 40, served in Congress for two years.

At 41, was the American minister to France and negotiated commercial treaties with European nations along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.

At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.

At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.

At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions and became the active head of the Republican Party.

At 57, was elected the third president of the United States.

At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase doubling the nation’s size.

At 61, was elected to a second term as President.

At 65, retired to Monticello.

At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.

At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia and served as its first president.

At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence along with John Adams.

Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government.  He understood actual history, the nature of God, his laws and the nature of man. That happens to be way more than what most understand today. Jefferson really knew his stuff.

A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

John F. Kennedy held a dinner in the White House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time.  He made this statement: “This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone.”

The Following is a repeat of a post that I run every year or so. It is hard to believe that Jefferson said these things over 200 years ago!

“When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.” — Thomas Jefferson

“The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.”– Thomas Jefferson

“It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes.  A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.” — Thomas Jefferson

“I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.” — Thomas Jefferson

“My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.” — Thomas Jefferson

“No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.”– Thomas Jefferson

“The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.”– Thomas Jefferson

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”– Thomas Jefferson

“To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.”– Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:”I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issueof their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banksand corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive thepeople of all property – until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.

Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.

The Englishman answers with humour: “No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving… on the other side !!