Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Hi Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.” ;

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing… I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it’s what you really want.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, “Anyone know who’s phone this is?”

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a barstool.One of them says to the bartender,  “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip.  I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.

“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture…”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive”.

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,

“May I buy you a cocktail?”

“No thank you,” she replies, “alcohol is bad for my legs.”

“Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?”

“No, they spread.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in’. When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’

‘Uh…yeah! , sir. We’re sure sorry about that,’ the husband replied.

‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for my self.’

Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’

‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘you’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’

‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.

‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,’ she said.

‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’

‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, ‘what’s your wish, genie?’ ‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’

The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?’

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’

You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you!’

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?’

‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.

‘No Kidding,’ he said.  ‘Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?’

Why is it Women seem to know what’s coming?!!

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?” 

 

”No,” said her husband. 

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of 
her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, 
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled 
approvingly.

She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled 
up?” 

 

”Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. 

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and 
seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties… and pulled out a 
crumpled Fifty Dollar bill..

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little 
quicker with anticipation.

“Now,” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?”

He said “No!”, trying to hide his arousal.

She said …… “Check the garage.”

Here’s a little switch . . blond Men rather than women. 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot”, he shouted.

A few moments passed … “An ambulance just drove by”

“Looks like the Anderson’s have company”, he called out

“Matt is riding a new bike…..”

A few moments later, “Looks like the Sanders are moving”

A few more moments, “The Coopers are having sex!!”

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, “How do you know that?”

“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too.”

With residences in two states – Arizona and Minnesota – and driving between the two twice a year – we are exposed to differences in traffic laws, particularly speed limits. On the Interstate Highway system most states have a posted limit of 75 MPH and in some cases 80 MPH. Minnesota however, clings to 70 MPH. Minnesota just announced that a study is to begin on some 6,800 miles of non-interstate highways to see if the speed limit can be raised all the way from 55 MPH to 60 MPH. Here again most other states have progressed past that and one finds speed limits of  60 MPH to 65 MPH.

Now this begs a couple of questions. One are Minnesota drivers that much worse than those in the other states that they cannot be trusted with more realistic speed limits? Second, why is Minnesota spending precious resources studying a very modest speed limit increase when that data is very likely available from many other states? Already the “We Must Control Everything” crowd is sounding the alarm – if the speed limit is raised people will just drive that much faster – meaning, I suspect, that they will maintain a certain amount over the posted limit. First, I find it more than a little sanctimonious and demeaning that this group would paint the entire population of Minnesota with this broad brush, And second, no doubt some will but my sense is that crowd is already driving at their personal speed limit and that will not change if the posted limit is increased.

I suppose that this is just another example of Minnesota attempting to “Take Care” of us and not trusting that we are now grown up and probably can take care of ourselves but wouldn’t it be nice if they let us try!

It has already started at Gander Mountain Sporting Goods.When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets, withmy credit card, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackosrunning amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found outthat she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.I still don’t think I looked that bad.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
 
 “I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell Me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. 
At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. 
When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.  If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

First Grader’s Drawing  —  PRICELESS!

A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

The teacher graded it and the child took it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis 

I want to be perfectly clear on my child’s homework illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a snow shovel.

Sincerely, 

Mrs. Harrington

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.

…. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

…. A whale swims all day, mainly eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

…. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

…. A tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don’t think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the top dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10.. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11.. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12.. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13.. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.

14.. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15.. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16.. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17.. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18.. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . … I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.

19.. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

20.. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE……….??????