The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination.  These are actual answers from 16 year olds:

Q. Name the four seasons:
 A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 

Q. How is dew formed?
 A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  (This is not too bad of an answer!)

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
 A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
 


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
 A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
 


Q. What are steroids? 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.  (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope!)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
 A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
 A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true!)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
 A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
 A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
 A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant!)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
 A. The body is consisted into 3 parts— the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U. 

Q. What is the fibula?
 A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
 A. Nearby.
 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That definitely would work!)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’?
 A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
 


Q. What is a seizure?
 A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!)

Q. What is a terminal illness? 
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable!)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
 A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant!)

Q. What is a turbine?
 A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.
 (However, sometimes they end up on a head, after an explosion!)

Number 9

Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them

apart.   If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to

use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number2

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1

Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. 

and as someone recently said to me:

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.

Regardless which side of the aisle you are on given the current political climate this should resonate

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as sheexplains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’vestolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried.. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm… An officer is on the way.’ A few minutes later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says. ‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She putsher foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

‘I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!’  Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golfone fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex…’ He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

Now this one is just too Precious…LOL! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Overthe years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought And thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

SENIOR DRIVING  As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his carphone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!’ ‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – bothcould barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could  have sworn we just went Through a red light.’After a few more minutes, they came to another intersectionand the light was red. Again, they went right through. Thewoman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!’

Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

A woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” She then hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police.”

Adam ate the apple, too. Men will never learn…

Gosh friends, I’m sure proud to be from Minnesota.

Archeological Study: After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 
Not  to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just  outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read,  “California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”
 
One week later, a local newspaper in Duluth, MN reported the following: 
”After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Anoka, Ole Olson, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, MN had already gone wireless.” 

Just makesmefeel so good to be from this fine enlightened state.

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD   OF YOU
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,  emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said,  “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf”.

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, for months met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn’t show up. Sam figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Sam really worried.  Since they only got together at the park feeding pigeons, Sam didn’t even know Bill’s last name, where he lived, or how to get hold of him.

After a month had passed, Sam mournfully assumed Bill had died or moved away.  But one day, when Sam arrived — lo and behold! — there sat Bill, joyfully feeding the pigeons.  Sam, delighted to see his old friend, excitedly blurted out, “For crying out loud Bill, what happened, where have you been?”

Bill replied, “I’ve been in jail.”

“Jail?” cried Sam. ‘Why??”

“Well,” Bill said, “you remember Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Sam, “I remember her. What about her?”

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty!”

“And you know what — that bastard judge gave me 30 days in jail for perjury!”

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors and to all of you who will become seniors.

“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!”

The irate customer called the newspaper office loudly demanding to know where her Sunday edition was.”Madam,” said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY!”

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, …. “Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either.”

p.s. Until you retire, you cannot fully appreciate this!

The Scotsman 

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. “Did you smell that food?” she asked. Then she added: “It smells incredible!”

Being the kind hearted Scotsman that I am, I thought, “What the heck, I’ll treat her.” So we turned around and walked past it again.