Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them ‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’ Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, ‘Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?’ Sven replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve don’t git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve’ve yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather’s dis nice.’

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, ‘I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now its freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two?’

They both look at the devil in surprise and say, ‘Vell, don’t ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.’

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck plus a new S-5 cell phone; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”

The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.” “Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well…You started it.” …..

As has been widely reported, Adobe’s servers were hacked and huge amount of data was stolen – some 9.3 gigabytes – including email addresses and passwords. One of mine was was caught in the net. You can check to see if your email address was in the group by going to http://adobe.cynic.al/ and entering your email address in the “Search Box” in the upper left of the page. If the response is that your’s was compromised – it will be easy to tell as it will come up in red vs. green if the address is not found – log into Adobe and change your password. You can find a more complete discussion on this issue at http://bit.ly/HHh3BW

But that’s only a part of the problem. Many of us use the same password on more than one site – shouldn’t but do. That being the case you will also want to find all of those occurrences and change the password on that site. Given that this will not be the last time someone with less than honorable intentions hacks one of the sites we use it might be time to look at a secure password manager. Rather than bore you with my less than perfect knowledge on the subject, the PCMag website has a very recent review of password mangers – November 5, 2013 -at http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2426798,00.asp.

This may be the biggest hack of all time but regardless of the size of the hack if your information is compromised you have problems. So even if you do not look at a password manager at least do not use the same password on multiple sites.

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. “Then he’ll open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his big unit and related parts in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.”

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A Blonde woman timidly spoke up……….”I’ll try it, just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle!”

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?” “Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you. “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly. “No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?” Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”

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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?” The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?” The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.” The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

___________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” “Yes” says the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf club? “Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know — put me down for a five.”

___________________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.  As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?” The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?

_________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?” He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”

As I wander through life certain things seem unfathomable – maybe it’s just me but here we go.

• Why do people slow down for a green light?
• When there is a bike lane why do bicyclists insist on riding in the traffic lane?
• Even worse why when bicyclists are in the bike lane do they move to the traffic lane when traffic approaches from the rear?
• Bicycle riders demand all of the rights of the road but why do they not feel required to obey the rules – stop signs, semaphores and the like?
• Many grocery stores have lines for those with a few items, typically around nine or so. But inevitably someone with a full shopping cart uses that line. Why? Is it because they; can’t count, feel entitled, it’s the shortest line, just don’t care or all of the above? Your choice.
• Why when sitting waiting for the light to change do some motorcyclists, and inevitably those with an already loud motorcycle, feel compelled to crack the throttle making a noisy and uncomfortable situation even worse?
• If your car was half as loud as some motorcycles you would get a “Fix-It” ticket. Why not the same for motorcycles?
• Why do semi truck drivers insist on attempting to pass another truck on uphill grades?

I am sure you have your examples of what amounts to some people’s disregard for others, which more than likely explains most of the items on my list. Send them to me and I will keep an updated list going and publish it now and then.

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story.

Don’t mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home.

“Dad,” he says, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at A&M that will teach our dog, Ole’ Blue how to talk!”

“That’s amazing,” his Dad says. “How do I get Ole’ Blue in that program?”

“Just send him down here with $1,000″ the young cowboy says”and I’ll get him in the course.”

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

“So how’s Ole’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.

“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this — they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

“Read!?” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ole’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does”. “Then Ole’ Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”

The father went white and exclaimed, “I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!”

“I sure did, Dad!”

“That’s my boy!”

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington  D.C. as a Congressman.

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.

“Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!” shouts one of ’em.

Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, “I don’t think they know who we are – show them your cross.”

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Screw off ye fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!”

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, “Was that cross enough?”

Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:
“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it”

A physician called into a radio show and said:
“That’s the definition of a stool sample”.