1.  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2.   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3.   He who laughs last thinks slowest.

4.   A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6.   Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

7.  Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8.   The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

9.   It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Texas would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10.  If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11.  The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13.  Flashlight:  A case for holding dead batteries.

14.  God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15.  When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

And then there is Berg’s law “Murphy was an optimist”.

TRUTHS AND WISDOM OF THE GAME

~BY  THE EXPERTS~

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small  boy……..than to fumble THIS football” – John Heisman

“Show me a good and gracious loser…….and I’ll show  you a failure.” – Knute Rockne /Notre Dame

“I make my practices real hard ……..because if  a player is a quitter…..I want him to quit in practice, not in a  game.” – Bear Bryant / Alabama

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle…..You can  hear it!” – Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat…….That  costs money and we don’t have any.” – Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

“Football is only a game. Spiritual things are  eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas.” – Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969  game.

“After you retire, there’s only one big event  left….and I ain’t  ready for that.” – Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces  is likely to be the one who dropped it.” – Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Norte Dame

“When you win, nothing hurts.” – Joe Namath / Alabama

“Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not  motivated.” – Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Norte Dame

“If you want to walk the heavenly streets of  gold…you gotta  know the password, Roll, tide, roll!” – Bear Bryant / Alabama

“A school without football is in danger of  deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” – Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” – Woody Hayes / Ohio State

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put  on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an  investigation.” – Bob Devaney / Nebraska

“In Alabama , an atheist is… someone who doesn’t believe in Bear  Bryant.” – Wally Butts / Georgia

“I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only  there for two terms – Truman’s and  Eisenhower’s.” – Alex Karras / Iowa

“My advice to defensive players: Take the  shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad  humor.” – Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar…….except  for my grades.” – Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

“Always remember …..Goliath was a 40 point favorite over  David.” – Shug Jordan / Auburn

“They cut us up like boarding house pie… and that’s real small pieces.” – Darrell Royal / Texas

“They whipped us like a tied up  goat.” – Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the  Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me” and he said “Well,  Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any  good.” – Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.” – Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“Football is NOT a contact sport – it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport.” – Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post  game message to his team: “All those who need showers…take  them.” – John McKay / USC

“If lessons are learned in defeat… our team is  getting a great education.” – Murray Warmath / Minnesota

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and  dumb. To be a back,  you only have to be dumb.” – Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

“Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.” – Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

“We live one day at a time and scratch where it  itches.” – Darrell Royal / Texas

“We didn’t tackle well today but we made up for it  by not blocking.” – John McKay / USC

“Three things can happen when you throw the  ball… and two of them are bad .” – Darrell Royal / University of  Texas

 “I’ve found that prayers work best when you have  big players.” – Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Periodically in a National Football League game the referees will call a penalty on a player for excessive celebration after a score. With that in mind I have a question; why isn’t the “Lambeau Leap” excessive celebration? I know that Green Bay fans will say it is tradition but there is no question it is excessive based on some of the other calls by referees.

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others as to what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There is nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I like the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, ‘Yes, sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?’

‘There’s something wrong with my dick’, he replied.

The receptionist became visibly irritated and said, ‘Oh, my! You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ‘

‘Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,’ he said.

The Receptionist replied; ‘Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear, or something like that, and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor…in private.’

The man replied, ‘You shouldn’t ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ‘Yes??’

‘There’s something wrong with my ear,’ he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly, smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. ‘And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?’

‘I can’t piss out of it,’ he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter…

Mess with seniors? You’re going to lose.

Now, I know you’re laughing!

We older people need to learn something new every day…Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did “Piss Poor” come from? Interesting history.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery…if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor”. But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot… They “didn’t have a pot to piss in” and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500’s. Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!”

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.” There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.” The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery. In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetable. And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.” Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests. And would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom; holding a wake.”

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell” or was “considered a dead ringer.”

And that’s the truth.

Now, whoever said history was boring!!! So get out there and educate someone!  Share these facts with a friend. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, “What the heck happened?”  We’ll be friends until we are old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends.

Smile, it gives your face something to do!

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. ‘Just  how do you guys do it?’ asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, ‘Pretty much the way you do.’

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another – Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

‘I don’t think this is going to work,’ says Maureen. ‘Why?’ he asks. ‘What’s the matter? ‘Well,’ she replies, ‘it’s just not long enough to reach me!’

‘No problem,’ he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.

‘Well,’ she says, ‘that’s quite impressive, but it is still narrow.’

‘No problem,’ he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

‘Wow!’ she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, ‘Well, was it any good?’

‘I hate to say it,’ says Maureen, ‘but it was wonderful. How about you?’

‘It was horrible,’ he replies. ‘All I got was a headache … She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.’

IF YOU DON’T LAUGH AT THIS, YOU ARE BEYOND HOPE!!!

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,as well as smoking and staying out late.” 

The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replied, “That would be my wife.”

SUBJECT: DINNER ETIQUETTE

THE POLITE WAY TO PEE
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said: Just a minute I have to go pee.

The teacher responded by saying: That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said: I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Ill be right back.

That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

The teacher fainted.