When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Wyoming for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…… FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, ‘GUIDE DOGS ONLY’, THE DOGS CAN’T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

Vy Nodt

It was a hot day in  Minnesota . Helga hung the wash out to dry and then went into town to pick up her dry cleaning. “Gootness, its hotter den hell today “, she mused to herself as she walked down  Main Street .

She passed a tavern and thought to herself, “Vy nodt.” She walked in, and quietly took a seat at the end of the bar. The bartender walked up to her and said; “and what would you like to drink today”.

“Ya know” Helga said in a timid voice, “I don’t usually go into za bars, but today I vill make an exception. It is zo hot, I tink I vill have myself a beer”.

The bartender smiled at Helga and asked;” Anheuser Busch?”

Helga blushed and said; “Vell it’s fine tanks, und how’s yur viener”

Golfer falls down.

A woman was playing golf when she took a 
big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group from the U.S. Senate that included Harry Reid.

Reid quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, “I’m Harry Reid and I hope you’ll vote for me in the next Federal Election.”

She laughed and quickly said,

“I fell on my ass, not my head!”

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was THAT?”

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.,” she said… “How do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl.. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”

11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another.. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS,  ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE. IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?  You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10 – No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to  marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. 
Kristen, age 10



2.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
 Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10



3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
 You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8

4.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 
Both don’t want any more kids. Lori, age 8

5.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8(isn’t  she a treasure) 

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10

6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they’re rich. Pam, age 7( Love her )

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with  that. 
Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. Howard, age 8

7.IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? 
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9  (bless you child)

8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED? 
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is


9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
 Tell  your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
 Ricky, age 10

Today I thought I would bounce around a bit and touch on a few different things. In a post earlier in the week I questioned the NFL as to why the Lambeau Leap was not excessive celebration. In response to that post a Green Bay fan replied that the Lambeau Leap was grandfathered in when the NFL instituted the excessive celebration rule. Well, I guess that settles the issue – if the Lambeau Leap was not excessive celebration it would not have to be grandfathered in.

Another earlier post highlighted some of our common sayings and where they started. Jack brought another one to my attention this week; In the years when Scotland was ruled by England, windows were considered a luxury and the English imposed a tax on them. As a result, many people boarded up their windows. Hence, the phrase, “taxing the daylights out of us.”

A couple of my favorite historical people are Thomas Jefferson and Mark Twain. With all of the brouhaha going on in DC quotes from these two seem appropriate.

“My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.” – Thomas Jefferson

“No man’s life, liberty or property is safe while Congress is in session.” – Mark Twain

It is interesting the high regard that others had for Jefferson. Here is just one example; “It has been said the greatest volume of sheer brainpower in one place occurred when Jefferson dined alone…” John Kennedy

Another reminder about the Adobe hack. If you have an Adobe login and password you may want to check to see if your information has been compromised. You can check to see if your email address was in the group by going to http://adobe.cynic.al/ and entering your email address in the “Search Box” in the upper left of the page. If the response is that your’s was compromised – it will be easy to tell as it will come up in red vs. green if the address is not found – log into Adobe and change your password. You can find a more complete discussion on this issue at http://bit.ly/HHh3BW. Also, if you have used that password elsewhere you will want to change that also.

That’s it for today.