You may recall the item I posted a while ago about my wife’s aunt Sophie. To refresh your memory, after an incident a highway patrolman pulled Sophie over and asked to see her drivers licnese. Sophie diligently handed the patrolman her license, rolled up the window and drove away! Sophie was in her 90’s. The following item reminded me of Sophie.

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement, “you appear quite elderly to be driving.” “Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license anymore. “The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ‘You won’t need this anymore,’ so I thanked him and left!”

MAY THE LORD SAVE US!

As many households begin preparations for holiday meals this little vignette may resonate.

A caring husband sees that his wife is busy in the kitchen and offers to help. “My dear, what can I do to help you?”

She says:  “Take this bag of potatoes, peal half of them, and put them in the big pot with water.”

Merry Christmas!!

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. This will only become more commonplace as the holidays get closer. This is a “heads up” for those men who may be regular Lowe’s, Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Target, or Sam’s Club customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last couple weeks I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get some simple Christmas gifts has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car dressed as Santa’s Helpers as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start helping you pack your stuff into your vehicle. What catches your eye is the very short bright Red Santa helper miniskirts they are wearing and the tight fitting Deep “V” neck red top shirt with their breasts almost falling out. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say “No” and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald’s to get some hot cocoa and a snack.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Nov 24th, 26th 28th 29th, 30th, twice on Dec 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful!! What a horrible way to take advantage of older men during this holiday season. Warn your friends to be vigilant. These girls will not give up; they have proven it over and over again with me.

By the way, Target has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones at Wal-Mart for $1.99 and bought them out. Also, you will never get to eat at McDonald’s. I’ve already lost 14 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe’s, Home Depot, Sam’s Club, Walmart, and Target.

So please, send this along to all the older men that you know, and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

PS: (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Microsoft vs. General Motors

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “General Protection Fault” warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.

An engineer, an architect and a politician were arguing about which profession came first.

“Engineering of course” said the engineer. “Somebody had to build the universe.”

The architect goes, “who do you think designed it before you could build it? Somebody had to put order into chaos first.”

The politician goes, “who do you think created the chaos?”

“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father, “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’? ”

“No, sweetheart,” he answered. “Some begin with ‘If I am elected.'”

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.

Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a cab they waved it past.  I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it!

I generally do not include website links in posts but this one is special.

This is cool, it looks like the house is jumping. As the story goes, the guy that owns this house lives north of Cincinnati, Ohio . Police were constantly being called for traffic jams and accidents in the neighborhood so they asked him to shut it down during certain hours. Instead he started charging by carload to pay off-duty police to be there. The guy is supposedly a real computer GEEK. Click and see for youself:

<http://www.flixxy.com/best-christmas-lights-display.htm

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip.  After  sharing a good meal and a bottle of wine, they retire to their  tent for the night. At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”

Watson said, “I see millions of stars.”

Holmes asks, “And what does that tell you?”

Watson replies, “Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of  galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells  me that Saturn is in Leo.  Theologically, it tells me that God is great  and we are small and insignificant.  Horologically, it tells me that  it’s about 3 AM.  Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a  beautiful day  tomorrow.  What does it tell you, Holmes?”

“It tells me that someone has stolen our tent!”