Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my  “doing something useful” seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me,” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, “Are you nuts? You ‘re almost 79 years old, and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”   “I’m in trouble again, and I don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week,” I told her.  She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I’ve Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry.

I Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,

If I Can Hit It straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It’s Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows …. I’ll Be Back Tomorrow.

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. 

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year. That means, on average, 
golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. 


Kind of makes you proud. 
Almost feel like a hybrid.

Every time I read one of Kathy Reichs’ books I wonder why the Temperance Brennan on the television show Bones was not modeled after the Temperance Brenna in the book series. The differences are great enough that one wonders how the TV character was even developed from the books. I just completed another, Deadly Decisions, and was once again struck by how the book’s Temperance Brennan is a much richer character than the one on the television series. Now both, like the author Riechs, are forensic anthropologists but the similarity ends there. Where the Temperance Brennan in the TV series is based at the mythical Jeffersonian Institute in Washington DC the character in the books moves between the North Carolina and Montreal Canada. This alone probably adds to the range of character development.  Further, even apart from Brennan the other characters in the books seem more alive and sometimes eclectic.

Deadly Decisions deals with the vicious nature of the motorcycle gangs and their considerable influence in the drug trade. While the book spends most of the time in Canada one of the mysteries is how bones from one individual end up in both Canada and North Carolina. As with all of the books in the series the reader gets an indoctrination into the nuts and bolts of forensic anthropology but not to the extent that it ruins the experience.  As a matter of fact, I find that one of the more interesting and enjoyable features of the series.

I have read a number of books in this series and enjoyed every one. If you like well constructed mysteries and have not given the series a try I suggest that you either download or pick one up.

Currently reading the latest offering from Daniel Silva, The English Girl, and the further adventures of Gabriel Allon, sometimes art restorer and assassin. It might well be the other way around but in any event I will post my thoughts on that one shortly.

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates ~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected ~ Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven.~ Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.~ Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.~ Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.~ Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.~ John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.~ Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country ~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.~ Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.~ Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators.~ Will Rogers~

A bonus and one of my favorites – Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain-

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an  86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have  it published in the New York  Times.————————————————————————–

Dear  Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters,  — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Notary Public must countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR  ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am  there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.  To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated  answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will  play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an  establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new  arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And  remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like  being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much  to piss us off.

Yogi Berra

Lawrence Peter Berra played Major League Baseball for 19 years for the New York Yankees.

He played on 10 World Series Championship teams, is a MLB Hall of Famer and has some awe-inspiring stats.

His name is consistently brought up as one of the best catchers in baseball history, and he was voted to the Team of the Century in 1999.

Amazing accomplishments aside, they probably aren’t how you know Lawrence. You know him as Yogi, a nickname given to him by a friend who likened his cross-legged sitting to a yogi.

Yogi is famous for his fractured English, malapropisms and sometimes nonsensical quotes.

He’s closing in on 86, and there seems to be no end to his fan’s love for him.

Here are 25 Yogi Berra quotes that will make you shake your head and smile.

1. “It’s like deja vu all over again.”

2. “We made too many wrong mistakes.”

3. “You can observe a lot just by watching.”

4. “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”

5. “He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”

6. “If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.”

7. “If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up some place else.”

8. Responding to a question about remarks attributed to him that he did not think were his:

“I really didn’t say everything I said.”

9. “The future ain’t what it use to be.”

10. “I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.”

11. On why he no longer went to Ruggeri’s, a St. Louis restaurant:

“Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.”

12. “I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”

13. “We have deep depth.”

14. “All pitchers are liars or crybabies.”

15. When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes:

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

16. “Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

17. “Never answer anonymous letters.”

18. On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet:

“Thank you for making this day necessary.”

19. “The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”

20. “Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”

21. As a general comment on baseball: “90% of the game is half mental.”

22. “I don’t know (if they were men or women running naked across the field).

They had bags over their heads.”

23. “It gets late early out there.”

24. Carmen Berra, Yogi’s wife asked: “Yogi, you are from St. Louis , we live in New Jersey , and you played ball in New York . If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?” Yogi’s answer: “Surprise me.”

25. “It ain’t over till it’s over.”

Ya just gotta give Willie a lotta credit for this one…

Poor Lance Armstrong,

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven Tour de France races while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn’t even find my bike.

Willie Nelson

This is a follow-up on yesterday’s post about the USGA and Merion. What we might have here is the poster child for the “Law of Unintended Consequences”. In the USGA’s attempt to test the best golfers in the world they may have hindered another priority, to promote golf and introduce new people to the game. Over the past few years we have watched a decline in golf participation, although this past year we saw a small uptick, and two of the reasons cited are that golf is too hard and takes too long. So this past weekend at Merion we watched the best in the world slog their way through at what is probably the USGA’s premier event and prove to those not involved in golf that they were right – it is too hard and takes too long. By the way, I am a long-time USGA member and for the most part support their work.

Because the U S Open is a major it draws large television audiences that include occasional and non-golfers providing a perfect opportunity to promote our sport. Unfortunately this year we did not provide a very exciting and inviting example. Contrast this to the Masters where the scores were not off the chart but someone unfamiliar with golf would get a completely different feel about golf. Possibly an opportunity missed.

The boys at Far Hills have to be ecstatic! They once again proved they can set up a golf course so even the best golfers in the world can’t play it. Merion is a difficult golf course but most of the time normal golfers play the course. I find it hard to believe that the 156 best golfers in the world hit that many bad shots. In my humble, or unhumble as the case may be, opinion much of what was done to the course created an artificial environment. For instance Tiger Woods said; “The rough was up. They were raking the rough up every morning into the grain.”  Into the grain means that they always had the grass growing against them. That never happens naturally. Yes you have some shots into the grain but you also have some with the grain. When missing a fairway or green by a foot produces essentially an unplayable shot that brings a huge element of luck into the equation.

Some of the news coverage opined that Merion had won. I disagree – the USGA setup won. If a course has to be set up that penal to host the U S Open, maybe the course does not belong in the rotation. Some will say that with Merion’s long history hosting USGA events statements like that is heresy. So be it, but if I want to watch a bunch of guys hack it around I don’t have to watch it on television. I can go to most any golf course.

SIMPLE TRUTH #1

Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”. But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”. Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.

THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but you’ll definitely be happier crying in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband!