For ever I have been mystified as to why those that ride bicycles demand all of the rights on our streets and highways but feel no obligation to obey the rules. Ignoring stop signs and semaphores and just the beginning. I have seen:

• A rider in the third lane from the left at an intersection with two left turn lanes – yes he was on the right side of the second left turn lane – make a left turn across the two lanes with cars lined up against a red light.
• Many times watched a bicycle riders roll through a red light without even slowing down.
• Obviously stop signs are not for bicycles. Again, many times witnessed a rider go through the intersection without even stoping.
• In areas with bike lanes on many occasions found bicycles using the automobile lanes. But let a car use the bike lane and see what happens.

I could go on, but you get the idea. Now according to an article in the June 10th Minneapolis StarTribune it is not illegal to ride a bicycle under the influence (DUI)! That right, even though bicyles share the streets and roads there are not governed by the same rules. The article went on to state that groups of bikers go bar hopping – stopping at a number of bars, drinking at each one and moving bar to bar on their bikes. I suggest that you not try that one in your car. One justification in the article was that you would not kill someone with a bicycle. That may be true, but if someone under the influence is riding his or her bicycle and does something stupid they could kill themselves. Also, should a bicycle rider do something stupid while under the influence that causes an incursion with an automobile guess who will be at fault? There is no guess, of course the automobile would be at fault.

I think it is time that the bicycling community cleans up their act and that law enforcement holds bicycle riders accountable  if they want to use the streets and roads they should be expected to abide by the same rules.

I was in the ‘Six Item Express’ lane at the supermarket, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So – which six items would you like to buy?”

Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.” They were seated immediately.

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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please; and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?” Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”  Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.” Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A minute.” Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A penny.” Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?” “Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said. “Of course, John,” his wife said softly. “Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Bob..” “But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.With his last breath John said, “I do!”

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.” The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?” The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.” The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?” The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?” The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.” A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.. You want my advice? The man said, “Yes;” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

Here is an eighteen plus minute video by Guy Kawasaki – he worked for Steve Jobs twice – called “What I learned from Steve Jobs “http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWv-KoZnpKw. Worth the time.

1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law – As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law  – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better… But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Well She Did What He Asked

This is a true story and may well fall into the “Truth is Stranger than Fiction” category. My wife’s aunt Sophie, who was in her 90’s at the time, was driving home in western Minnesota and approached a stop sign which she chose to ignore and made a right turn on to the crossroad. The problem was that the crossroad did not have a stop sign and there was approaching traffic. Sophie’s failure to stop forced the other vehicle, a mini van, into the ditch. Fortunately, no one was hurt however a highway patrolman was also at the intersection and observed the whole thing. As one might expect the patrolman pursued Sophie and pulled her over. The patrolmen walked up to Sophie’s car and asked for her driver’s license. Sophie dutifully produced her license, handed it to the patrolman, rolled up her window and drove off – leaving the patrolman standing in the road holding Sophie’s drivers license. To no one’s surprise this ended Sophie’s driving career.

I do not know if the following story is true or not (probably not) but it is entertaining and kind of fits with Sophie’s story.

Story from A Minnesota State Trooper

I made a traffic stop of an elderly lady the other day for speeding on Minnesota State Highway 210 at mile marker 197, just east of McGregor MN. I asked for her Driver’s license and proof of insurance. Somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, her body language or the way she said it, made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have one more, a .38 special in her purse. I asked her what she was afraid of?  “Not a F—ing thing!”

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock’n’roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.

John Sanford fans, yes and even those that have not discovered John, will want to read his newest offering, Silken Prey. As is the case in the Prey series, our hero is Lucas Davenport and once again his adventures make for wonderful reading. Davenport is head of the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension (BCA) and is asked by the Governor to quietly look at what appears to be a career ending event for a long-term U S Senator. As luck? would have it the situation pops up just before Election Day.To nobody’s surprise, it does not stay quiet long and expands quickly and includes murder and more. Here we find political intrigue – like planted damaging computer images, the aforementioned murder, questionable tactics and wonderful characters.

Long term Sanford fans may remember the four book Kidd series from over 10 years ago. Kidd was then, and still is, in addition to being a successful artist a computer hacker extraordinaire and Davenport calls on his unique skill set as he follows the bouncing ball of mixed clues. Also, making a cameo appearance is Virgil Flowers the main character from another Sanford series. Thrice married, thrice divorced Flowers is a BCA agent that works the out-state region for Davenport, doesn’t always carry a gun and tows his fishing boat around just in case he has the chance to mix in a little fishing.

Sanford mixes these characters with several others from books in the Prey series along with a narcissistic sociopath that is running for Senate. Enjoyable and highly recommended.

You may already know this, but just in case I thought I would send it on. With more and more using non-Windows devices (like Tablets and Apple Computers), you will want to send your MS Outlook emails in a way that they can read them.  This is especially important when including attachments.

What causes the Problem?

The root of the problem is that Microsoft has its own way of formatting documents and including attachments that works great when both the sender and receiver are using Outlook for their email program.  This proprietary format is called “Rich Text” (RTF).  When you are using Outlook and send an email using RTF, all of the formatting (bold/font/etc.) will not be visible to users that are using something other than Outlook to read it, the message will just come across as plain text.  The bigger problem is that any attachments you add to the file will show up as a “winmail.dat” blob that they cannot open and see on their computer.

What is the solution?

The solution to this problem is to format and send your messages using “HTML Formatting” which can be read and understood by any modern computer.

How do I do this?

The easiest solution is to change your Outlook preferences so that it always creates messages and responses using HTML instead of RTF.

This is a 5 step process for users with Outlook 2010:

1)     Click the File Tab at the top left of the main Outlook 2010 window:

2)     Then click on “Options”

3)     In the “Outlook Options” dialog box that comes up, select “Mail”

4)     Then in that Mail options tab, select “HTML” for your preferred option for composing messages

5)     Then click the “OK” button on the Outlook Options dialog box to save your new preferences and you are good to go!

The process works for Outlook 2013 and Outlook 2011 for the Mac and is similar for other versions of Outlook, you just need to get to the Outlook preference pane and make sure that messages are composed using HTML.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I’ll have to go along on many more shopping trips?