Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum…. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.

I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?”

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

Those of us that golf in Arizona are familiar with issues with snakes but golfing in the Low Country in South Carolina brings on a hazard of a different order of magnitude. While snakes are also an issue here there are other issues and here is the hazard that I encountered yesterday.  

My ball was no more than 15 feet from this fellow. Descretion being the better part of valor I did not actually measure him but he was somewhere between 8 and 10 feet. Needless to say, it did not take me long to play the shot and exit stage right! This was not the only alligator we saw yesterday but was the only one that brought an increase in the heart rate.

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday 





Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime? 
Answer: Three hours after (s)he falls asleep in the recliner. 




Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. 





Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Very true




Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Sometime 15%





Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes. 




Question: Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. 





Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS! So true




Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.





Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer: Normal. 




Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break. 




Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. 





Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite…. 


QUESTION: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING….. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. “I’d like to try the bet,” he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?

“I work for the IRS.”

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned
 that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to
 the very same dentist two years before. Is that so asked the first old guy? Did he do a good job?

The second oldster replied, Well, I was on the golf course
 yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have 
been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles.

The first old guy was confused and asked, What the hell 
does that have to do with your dentures?

It was the first time my teeth didn’t hurt…..

If you do not have off-site backups of your documents today would be a good day to start. Having a backup of your critical documents on an external drive that sits next to your computer will help if you have a disk crash or other catastrophe to your computer but will do nothing in the event of a natural disaster – think hurricane Sandy – a theft – I doubt that the thief would only take your computer and leave the external drive – and you can fill in the rest. As far as offsite backup goes there are many choices but I settled on Dropbox for a number of reasons. For starters Dropbox works with any device – Mac, PC, Tablet and Smartphone – be it iPhone or Android. Beyond that it is as simple to use as possible.  Establish your Dropbox account and start loading files. 2 GB of storage is free and 100 GB will cost you about $100.00 per year (actually $9.99 per month or $99.99 per year). Once done you can access any of your files from any internet connected device. PC Magazine reviewed Dropbox and here is their BOTTOM LINE “Dropbox is a superbly implemented, cloud-based, automatic, file-synchronization service that’s ideal for working with files you can store in a single folder.” You can read the full review at http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2343852,00.asp. Beyond that, anytime we are storing data online security is of prime importance. Dropbox uses Secure Sockets Layer (SSL) and AES-256 bit encryption and you can find a full description of their security protocol at https://www.Dropbox.com/help/27/en.

There are many online backup options available, Carbonite, Mozy and Sugarsync to name a few but for my money Dropbox wins.

It has been a little over three weeks since my new iMac arrived and except for transferring data to Dropbox I have not used the PC for anything and even that function was over three weeks ago. From the perspective of getting things done and efficiency there have been no issues but there has been one non-technical problem, I wear bifocal glasses and this was not a problem with notebook computers as the display is much lower. However, with the 21 1/2″ display on the iMac I was developing a crick in the neck from titling my head so that I could read the display through the bifocal. Well, that is not a long-term solution so off to LensCrafters for single vision glasses with my reading prescription. They should be here in seven to ten days and my neck will rejoice.

I have Windows installed on my MacBook Air for two items; Quicken and the Send Individually plug-in for Microsoft Outlook as their are either not Mac versions – Send Individually – or the Mac version is not acceptable – Quicken. With that said I continue to doubt that I will install Windows on the iMac even though there is no doubt that the iMac could handle the additional overhead. I have not encountered anything else to date where I will need other Windows versions of software. That being the case I can not justify the expense of acquiring additional Windows and Parallels licenses and installing them on the iMac.

As I noted in an earlier post I opted for Microsoft Office 365, the $99.00 per year for five licenses downloaded option, mainly to get Office 2013 for the Windows side of my MacBook Air and to get a license for the new iMac which is still the 2011 version. One other reason I opted for the 365 version is that if Microsoft releases a new Mac version those with Office 365 will be provided that version at no additional cost. I have encountered one issue with Outlook 2013 on the MacBook Air although it is not an issue with Office but with Evernote. The Evernote plugin does not function with Outlook 2013. For those of us that use Evernote as our filing cabinet and note repository this is not good! Evernote promises to have the issue resolved but as of today nothing is available. Another Evernote issue that has noting to do with the above is that Evernote notified all users that their password might have been hacked and essentially forced all to change passwords.

As you can surmise from the above the transition has been seamless and I have no intention of going back to the PC world.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a red light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ‘What kind of car ya got there sonny?’ The doctor replies, ‘A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! ‘That’s a lot of money,’ says the old man. ‘Why does it cost so much?’ ‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!’ states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, ‘Mind if I take a look inside?’ ‘No problem,’ replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ‘That’s a pretty nice car, all right… But I’ll stick with my Moped!’ Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster! ‘What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?’ the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ‘I’m a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you?’ The old man whispers, ‘Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.

A friend told the blonde man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year. “
The blonde man replied, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”

————————————

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: “What if one explodes before we get there?”

The other says: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.”

————————————

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: 
”Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.” 

To which the blonde man replied: “Well the joke’s on all of you because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”

————————————

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: “Did you find the shampoo?”
He answers, “Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.”

————————————

A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish. 
”I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
 The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me”. 

The blonde man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

————————————

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat. 
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”.

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

————————————

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” 

”Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor. 
”No”, he shouts, “This is her husband!”

————————————

A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. 
Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. 
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the
road. The cop says, “That’s your air freshener swinging about!”

————————————

A blonde man’s dog goes missing and he is frantic. 
His wife says “Why don’t you put an ad in the paper?”
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. 
”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. 
”Here boy!” he replies.

————————————

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
 “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks. 
”Hanging myself,” the blond replies. 
”It should be around your neck” says the guard. 
”I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe”.

————————————

An Italian tourist asks a blonde 
man: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?” 
To which the blonde man replies: “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. – David Letterman

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I’m a billionaire. – Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. – Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. – Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hall

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. – Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. – Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. – Arthur C Clarke

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? – Steven Wright

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. – Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Robert Benchley