1.Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Supermarket Law – As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law  – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better… But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.

Well She Did What He Asked

This is a true story and may well fall into the “Truth is Stranger than Fiction” category. My wife’s aunt Sophie, who was in her 90’s at the time, was driving home in western Minnesota and approached a stop sign which she chose to ignore and made a right turn on to the crossroad. The problem was that the crossroad did not have a stop sign and there was approaching traffic. Sophie’s failure to stop forced the other vehicle, a mini van, into the ditch. Fortunately, no one was hurt however a highway patrolman was also at the intersection and observed the whole thing. As one might expect the patrolman pursued Sophie and pulled her over. The patrolmen walked up to Sophie’s car and asked for her driver’s license. Sophie dutifully produced her license, handed it to the patrolman, rolled up her window and drove off – leaving the patrolman standing in the road holding Sophie’s drivers license. To no one’s surprise this ended Sophie’s driving career.

I do not know if the following story is true or not (probably not) but it is entertaining and kind of fits with Sophie’s story.

Story from A Minnesota State Trooper

I made a traffic stop of an elderly lady the other day for speeding on Minnesota State Highway 210 at mile marker 197, just east of McGregor MN. I asked for her Driver’s license and proof of insurance. Somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time. She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box. Something, her body language or the way she said it, made me want to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have one more, a .38 special in her purse. I asked her what she was afraid of?  “Not a F—ing thing!”

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock’n’roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “but I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “and I appreciate that.

But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.

John Sanford fans, yes and even those that have not discovered John, will want to read his newest offering, Silken Prey. As is the case in the Prey series, our hero is Lucas Davenport and once again his adventures make for wonderful reading. Davenport is head of the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension (BCA) and is asked by the Governor to quietly look at what appears to be a career ending event for a long-term U S Senator. As luck? would have it the situation pops up just before Election Day.To nobody’s surprise, it does not stay quiet long and expands quickly and includes murder and more. Here we find political intrigue – like planted damaging computer images, the aforementioned murder, questionable tactics and wonderful characters.

Long term Sanford fans may remember the four book Kidd series from over 10 years ago. Kidd was then, and still is, in addition to being a successful artist a computer hacker extraordinaire and Davenport calls on his unique skill set as he follows the bouncing ball of mixed clues. Also, making a cameo appearance is Virgil Flowers the main character from another Sanford series. Thrice married, thrice divorced Flowers is a BCA agent that works the out-state region for Davenport, doesn’t always carry a gun and tows his fishing boat around just in case he has the chance to mix in a little fishing.

Sanford mixes these characters with several others from books in the Prey series along with a narcissistic sociopath that is running for Senate. Enjoyable and highly recommended.

You may already know this, but just in case I thought I would send it on. With more and more using non-Windows devices (like Tablets and Apple Computers), you will want to send your MS Outlook emails in a way that they can read them.  This is especially important when including attachments.

What causes the Problem?

The root of the problem is that Microsoft has its own way of formatting documents and including attachments that works great when both the sender and receiver are using Outlook for their email program.  This proprietary format is called “Rich Text” (RTF).  When you are using Outlook and send an email using RTF, all of the formatting (bold/font/etc.) will not be visible to users that are using something other than Outlook to read it, the message will just come across as plain text.  The bigger problem is that any attachments you add to the file will show up as a “winmail.dat” blob that they cannot open and see on their computer.

What is the solution?

The solution to this problem is to format and send your messages using “HTML Formatting” which can be read and understood by any modern computer.

How do I do this?

The easiest solution is to change your Outlook preferences so that it always creates messages and responses using HTML instead of RTF.

This is a 5 step process for users with Outlook 2010:

1)     Click the File Tab at the top left of the main Outlook 2010 window:

2)     Then click on “Options”

3)     In the “Outlook Options” dialog box that comes up, select “Mail”

4)     Then in that Mail options tab, select “HTML” for your preferred option for composing messages

5)     Then click the “OK” button on the Outlook Options dialog box to save your new preferences and you are good to go!

The process works for Outlook 2013 and Outlook 2011 for the Mac and is similar for other versions of Outlook, you just need to get to the Outlook preference pane and make sure that messages are composed using HTML.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

I wonder if I’ll have to go along on many more shopping trips?

After All These Years!!!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canon laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R ! We missed the R!  We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…

“CELEBRATE !!! “

Thanks to Jerry for this gem.

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.  As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? ” “No,” the woman replied, “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

Just in case you needed a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one;
that’s reassurance to those of us who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident….

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
 – S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. – S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
 – S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield. – S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
 – S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. – S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
 – S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. – S: That’s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. – S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. – S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. – S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
 – S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums. – S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
 – S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
 pounding on something with a hammer. – S: Took hammer away from the midget!

Thanks to Tom for today’s post. I think it was Art linkletter that said “Kids Say The Darndest Things” and later there was a TV show with Bill Cosby. The items below prove the point.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight, testicles. (Kelly, age 6 )
2. Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3. If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t, have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5. A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
6. My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
   pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
   the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would
   whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been
   better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8. Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
   and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get
   pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9. I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
   crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
   pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
    give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
    think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age
    7)
11. When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
    my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
    can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky,
    age 8)
13. On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
    going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired
    right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14. The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown
    I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
15. My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
    What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
    (James, age 7)