Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it: “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said,  “I’d calm down if I were you.” The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Miffed at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.” “Rubbish” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.” What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

Thanks to Jon for this item.  The new header is looking from our patio here in Hawaii.

This is a letter from a “former” golfer who no longer can play, but who has reflected on his years in golf and would like the rest of us to think about how we approach the game.

Dear Younger Me:

I can’t play golf anymore. I tried to swing the club the other day, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. The best I can do now is sometimes take walks on the course, but my eyes aren’t as good as they used to be so I don’t see much. I have a lot of time to sit and think now, and I often think about the game.*

It was my favorite game. I played most of my adult life. Thousands of rounds, thousands of hours practicing. As I look back, I guess I had a pretty good time at it. But now that I can’t do it anymore, I wish I had done it differently.*

It’s funny, but with all the time I spent playing golf, I never thought I was a real golfer. I never felt good enough to really belong out there. It doesn’t make much sense, since I scored better than average and a lot of people envied my game, but I always felt that if I was just a little better or a little more consistent, then I’d feel really good. I’d be satisfied with my game. But I never was. It was always “One of these days I’ll get it” or “One day I’ll get there” and now here I am. I can’t play anymore, and I never got there.*

I met a whole lot of different people out on the course. That was one of the best things about the game. But aside from my regular partners and a few others, I don’t feel like I got to know many of those people very well. I know they didn’t really get to know me. At times they probably didn’t want to. I was pretty occupied with my own game most of the time and didn’t have much time for anyone else, especially if I wasn’t playing well.*

So why am I writing you this letter anyway, just to complain? Not really. Like I said, my golfing experience wasn’t that bad. But it could have been so much better, and I see that so clearly now. I want to tell you, so you can learn from it. I don’t want you getting to my age and feeling the same regrets I’m feeling now.*

I wish, I wish. Sad words, I suppose, but necessary. I wish I could have played the game with more joy, more freedom. I was always so concerned with “doing it right” that I never seemed to be able to enjoy just doing it at all. I was so hard on myself, never satisfied, always expecting more. Who was I trying to please? Certainly not myself, because I never did. If there were people whose opinions were important enough to justify all that self-criticism, I never met them.*

I wish I could have been a better playing partner. I wasn’t a bad person to be with, really, but I wish I had been friendlier and gotten to know people better. I wish I could have laughed and joked more and given people more encouragement. I probably would have gotten more from them, and I would have loved that. There were a few bad apples over the years, but most of the people I played with were friendly, polite, and sincere. They really just wanted to make friends and have a good time. I wish I could have made more friends and had a better time.*

I’m inside a lot now and I miss the beauty of the outdoors. For years when I was golfing I walked through some of the most beautiful places on earth, and yet I don’t feel I really saw them. Beautiful landscapes, trees, flowers, animals, the sky, and the ocean – how could I have missed so much? What was I thinking of that was so important – my grip, my back swing, my stance? Sure, I needed to think about those sometimes, but so often as to be oblivious to so much beauty? And all the green – the wonderful, deep, lush color of green! My eyes are starting to fail. I wish I had used them better so I would have more vivid memories now.*

So what is it that I’m trying to say? I played the type of game that I thought I should play, to please the type of people that I thought I should please. But it didn’t work. My game was mine to play, but I gave it away.

It’s a wonderful game. Please, don’t lose yours. Play a game that you want to play. Play a game that gives you joy and satisfaction and makes you a better person to your family and friends. Play with enthusiasm, play with freedom. Appreciate the beauty of nature and the people around you. Realize how lucky you are to be able to do it. All too soon your time will be up, and you won’t be able to play anymore. Play a game that enriches your life.

Best wishes . . .. don’t waste a minute of golf . . . someday it will be gone!*

In 2010 Arizona voters approved a temporary 1% increase in the sales tax with a sunset date of May 31, 2013. Well guess what, Arizonians now have a Proposition on the November ballot to make that 1% increase permanent. I really do not think that politicians, either side of the aisle, can help themselves. One would reasonably expect that a temporary tax would be the bridge that allows our elected representatives to get the spending in order but it never seems to work that way. Evidently “Temporary Tax” is an oxymoron, like Jumbo Shrimp or  I am from the IRS and here to help you. If one has the temerity to question the wisdom of this you are accused of being against everything up to and including motherhood and apple pie. Rather than codifying a tax increase let them make the case and do the appropriation for each period not make it permanent.

Thanks to Fran for today’s travelogue.

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.

The shortest college paper. This is too funny and just too brillant. Love it:  Leave it to a woman.

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The story had to contain the following three things:

1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:

“Good God, I’m pregnant, I wonder who did it.”

Thanks to Fran for this one.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a care home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub,”

“Oh, I understand, “I said. ” A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said.  “A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you prefer a bed near the window?”

(ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON – or do you want the bed next to mine?)

This past week I received a notice that the Verizon Wireless America’s Choice II Litigation had been settled and I received my award – 40 calling units equal to 40 minutes of domestic calling or roughly 13 minutes of international calling. Talk about meaningless, I never hit the subscribed minutes in my plan (we all subscribe for a little more than we think we will need because the penalty for going over the limit is so punitive) so this award is something less than meaningless.  However, the attorneys were awarded fees and cost not to exceed $6,000,000!

Somehow this has to stop. Allowing attorneys to pocket huge fees while those supposedly aggrieved receive token awards borders on robbery. A few years ago I received another notice of award in an action against State Farm Insurance. In that case the attorneys received something like $5,000,000 and the participants in the class were awarded the right to buy more insurance. In an earlier post I discussed the Lehman settlement with a similar huge award to attorneys. All of the costs in these suits are paid for by us – that’s right these awards are a cost of doing business and are figured in the price we pay for a product or service.

Let’s start leaning on our elected representatives to pass real tort reform. Until that time we can look for more of the same.

Probably the only good thing, other than eliminating the pain, about having my right knee replaced is that I got back to reading and as usual the range is a little eclectic. One of my favorite authors, Dan Silva, just released the latest Gabriel Allon work, The Fallen Angel, and it did not disappoint. For those of you not familiar with this series, Allon is a Mossad operative that moonlights as an art restorer or is he an art restorer that moonlights as a Mossad operative.  In this story, like one before, Allon becomes involved with the Vatican in what appears to be totally unrelated to Israel but leads to a plot to destroy Israel. The character development as always is solid and those familiar with the series will recognize them. Highly recommended!

Titanic Thompson: The Man Who Bet On Everything by Kevin Cook, is the true story of an iconic character who passed away in 1974.  He started life as a card shark but progressed through just about anything that he could bet on. He would practice a new gig until he was perfect.  He picked up golf and could play both right and left handed. He played with many of the greats, including Byron Nelson and Ben Hogan, but did not play the nacent PGA Tour despite the fact he could beat the best at the time. His reason was that he could not afford the pay cut. The swath he cut through life included five wives and and killing five men among other things. Thompson was the ultimate hustler and the story of his life is entertaining and worth the read.

One of my favorite authors, Robert Parker, passed away in January 2010 and I am generally apprensive about reading books written about any author’s characters by another. So it took me a bit to download the latest Spenser novel, Lullaby, written by Ace Atkins. It did not take long for me to get comfortable with the work. Atkins was hand picked by Parker’s estate to carry on with the Spenser series and he does an amazing job of sounding like Parker.  Spenser, a private detective, takes on a case brought to him by a 14 year old girl and it winds through the Boston projects on to death row. Parker fans will be glad to know that Hawk is alive and well. A solid read especially for Parker fans.

Reading Devices or The Kindle Phenomenon 

I have the Kindle reading app on four devices – The Kindle, an iPad, a MacBook Air and my iPhone and over time use all four.  If I am home I generally prefer reading on the Kindle.  It is light, easy to read and the navigation is straight forward.  Having said that, if I am traveling I generally use the iPad for a couple of reasons.  One, I will take the iPad anyway and see little reason to carry two devices and second the Kindle app on the iPad is great and reading is easy.  Here, as with the Kindle navigation is straight forward.  Reading on my iPhone is one of those almost accidental things. It happens when I am waiting for an appointment – mostly at a doctors office – or waiting for my wife and it is the device that I have with me. Not the best option but reading on the iPhone is actually quite good.  While I could read on my MacBook Air, I rarely do as I generally have one of the other devices available.. The beauty of the Kindle app is that it keeps track of where you are in a book and when you bring the book up on another device it asks if you want to go to the furthest point you have read. As you have probably surmised I am sold on using one of these devices rather than a hardcopy book. As a matter of fact, I do not think I have purchased a hardcopy book since I acquired my Kindle. By the way, the Kindle app is available for virtually any device.

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…

Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People — 
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
• New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, 
He or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. 
Send this to the women who can handle it 
And to the men who will enjoy reading it. 
Men Are Just Happier People