A balding, white-haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in the local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something more special.’

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.’

Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000′ the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said ‘There was only $25 in your account.”

I know, said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

REMEMBER:

Not All Seniors Are Senile. 

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded.  “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “That’s okay.  It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother replied. “It’s not polite.”

“OK”, the little girl says, “how much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “those are personal questions and are really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

“That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!”

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom won’t tell me anything about herself,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” says the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license.

It’s like a report card; it has everything on it.”

Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 133 pounds.”

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

“How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “Why?”

The little girl answers, “Because you got an F in sex.”

A young Arab boy asks his father; What is that strange head piece you are wearing?

The father said: Why, my son, it is a chechia, in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.

And what is this clothing you are wearing asked the boy. This long flowing robe seems so strange.

Oh, my son exclaimed the father It is very simple. This is a djbellah.As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body.
The son then asked; But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?

These are babouches, my son, the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful,they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet.

So tell me then, added the boy.

Why are you living in Seattle, Washington and still wearing all this shit?

Two Louisiana alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids … I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” says the big alligator, “what have you been eating?”

“Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.

“Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch’em?”

“Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”

“Same here. Hmmmm. How do you catch’em?”

“Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the crap out of ’em, and eat’em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase…”

–Your grandma wore very short mini skirts, thin panties, high boots, and no bra…

–She listened to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Janis Joplin, and Rolling Stones.

–She rode on motorcycles and fast cars.

–She smoked tobacco and other things…

–She drank gin-tonics, whiskey, and whatever…

–She came home at 4 am and left for work in the morning…

Know that you will never be as cool as your grandma.

Excuse me but someone had to say it!