One day, when four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, two of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang.  An irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and  ….. there stood a little angel with a big Christmas tree!

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

I wonder if you did?

Only in This Stupid World …..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World …..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 

Only in This Stupid World….do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 

Only in This Stupid World….do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 

Only in This Stupid World ……….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in Packages of eight.. 

Only in This Stupid World ….do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ‍ 
Why don’t you ever see the Headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that Doctors call what they do ‘practice?’ 
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?‍ 
You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
If con is the opposite of Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

� Our Phones – Wireless 

� Cooking – Fireless 

� Cars – Keyless 

� Food – Fatless 

� Tires -Tubeless 

� Dress – Sleeveless 

� Youth – Jobless 

� Leaders – Shameless 

� Relationships – Meaningless 

� Attitudes – Careless 

� Babies – Fatherless 

� Feelings – Heartless 

� Education – Valueless 

� Children – Mannerless 

We are-SPEECHLESS, 

Government-is CLUELESS, 

And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!

1. If my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know that i was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.

2. Respect your elders.  They graduated from school without the internet.

3. I’ve decided i’m not old.  I’m 25 — plus shipping and handling.

4. Why do i have to press “1” for english?  Did we move?.

6. Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong!

7. Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.

8. Vegetarian:  ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can’t hunt, fish, or light fires!

9. I look at people and sometimes think : “really”?  — “that’s the sperm that won?”

10. In my defense i was left unsupervised.

11. If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.

12. My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

13. Some things are just better left unsaid — and i usually realize it right after i say them.

14.   We owe our veterans everything.

15. Camping:  where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

16. I thought getting old would take longer.

17. A wise man once said … Nothing

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I made mud pies.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Now, I’m wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only sent it to myself.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating you.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

“On time” is, when you get there.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller.

Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you.”One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.