The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!” 

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!” 

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?” Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.” Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. 

“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

Due to my isolation, I finished three books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

Today, I melted an ice cube with my mind just by staring at it. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Struggling to get your wife’s attention? Just sit down and look comfortable.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash. Now there’s no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon.

Shout out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday. You are my people.

One minute you’re young and fun. And next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

Think you’re old and you will be old. Think you are young, and you will be delusional.

There’s nothing scarier than that split second when you lose your balance in the shower and you think, “They are going to find me naked.”

Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave—I say I’m having a very good day!