A dog lover, whose female dog came “in heat,” was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.” “Do you think that will work?” she asked. “Just worked for me.” he replied.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, vegetable, chicken. One day I hope to be a bouillianaire.
If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that’s humerus.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. Now I have Heinzsight.
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a raven and a crow is only a matter of a pinion.
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes. I turned to a local tribal leader and said, “That lizard is really funny!” The leader replied. “That’s not just any old lizard … he’s a stand-up chameleon.”
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I thought I nailed it, but nobody saw it.
Singing in the shower is fine until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song, but the chick peas can only hummus one.
Then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court … it was a brief case.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it’s on the house.
My friend said she wouldn’t eat cow’s tongue because it came out of a cow’s mouth. So, I gave her an egg.
Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible King, but he made a great ruler.
Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg and tomorrow romaines to be seen.
My friend Jack says he can communicate with vegetables. That’s right … Jack and the beans talk.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You probably have not heard of herbivore.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works and then it struck me.
Six cows were smoking joints and playing poker. That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.
One day, when four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, two of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang. An irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and ….. there stood a little angel with a big Christmas tree!
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Only in This Stupid World …..do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in This Stupid World …..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in This Stupid World….do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in This Stupid World….do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in This Stupid World ……….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in Packages of eight..
Only in This Stupid World ….do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why don’t you ever see the Headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word? Why is it that Doctors call what they do ‘practice?’ Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
