Two Louisiana alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, “I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids … I just don’t get it.”

“Well,” says the big alligator, “what have you been eating?”

“Lawyers, same as you,” replies the small alligator.

“Hmmmm. Well, where do you catch’em?”

“Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp.”

“Same here. Hmmmm. How do you catch’em?”

“Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the crap out of ’em, and eat’em!”

“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothing left but lips and a briefcase…”

–Your grandma wore very short mini skirts, thin panties, high boots, and no bra…

–She listened to Led Zeppelin, The Beatles, Janis Joplin, and Rolling Stones.

–She rode on motorcycles and fast cars.

–She smoked tobacco and other things…

–She drank gin-tonics, whiskey, and whatever…

–She came home at 4 am and left for work in the morning…

Know that you will never be as cool as your grandma.

Excuse me but someone had to say it!

I have no idea who put this together, but it is wonderful, especially if you’re North of 70!

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,

Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.

There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me. 

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,

Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,

Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one’s seen him since.

We danced to ‘Little Darlin,’ and sang to ‘Stagger Lee’

And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,

And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see

A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,

And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..

We didn’t have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,

Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me. 

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,

And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,

And Oprah couldn’t talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had our share of heroes, we never thought they’d go,

At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,

And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We’d never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,

And Airplanes weren’t named Jefferson , and Zeppelins were not Led.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,

Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We’d never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,

And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and ‘gay’ meant fancy-free,

And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We hadn’t seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,

And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,

And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

T-Birds came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,

And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,

And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,

We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,

And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,

And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we’ve heard them say,

And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.

They send us invitations to join AARP,

We’ve come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,

And wonder why they’re using smaller print in magazines.

And we tell our children’s children of the way it used to be,

Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

If you didn’t grow up in the fiftys,

You missed the greatest time in history,

 Author unknown!

Hope you enjoyed this read as much as I did.

1) I’ve just finished reading a book about the world’s greatest basement ….. It was a best cellar.

2) It’s my first week working at the bicycle factory and they already made me a spokesperson.

3) My laptop caught pneumonia, apparently, because I left Windows open.

4) I thought swimming with Dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks …. It cost me an arm and a leg.

5) The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.

6) Horses have lower divorce rates. It’s because they are in stable relationships.

7) It’s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car, I will get tired but if I run behind a car I will get exhausted.

8) My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.

9) 90% of bald people still own a comb; they just can’t part with it.

10) Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle …… It’s a vicious cycle.

11) The word “incorrectly” is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

12) I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

13) The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.

14) I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus. The waiter told me it takes 4 hours to cook. “Why”, I asked. He said “It’s because it keeps turning the gas off”.

15) What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare line.

16) When I was a kid, we played spin the bottle with the girls. If they didn’t want to kiss you, they would have you give you a dollar. By the time I was 12, I owned my own home.

17) Always trust a nudist, they have nothing to hide.

ONE: Don’t miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you’re 80 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you’re stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

ELEVEN: No matter the storm, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

Please pass this on to people you want to be blessed.  Give it. . . don’t just get it!  Most people walk in and out of your life, but FRIENDS leave footprints in your heart.

A dog lover, whose female dog came “in heat,” was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.” “Do you think that will work?” she asked. “Just worked for me.” he replied.