I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon. I’ll let you know.
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My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was the President of the United States.”
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I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible’s about to happen. I can feel it.
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Boss told me that as a security guard, it’s my job to watch the office. I’m on season 6 but not really sure what it’s got to do with security.
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My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology. His career is now in ruins.
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It’s probably not safe for me to be driving right now. But, hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
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No bragging, but I made six figures last year. So they named me the worst employee at the toy factory.
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I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. And then she gave me a huge hug.
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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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Interviewer: How do yu explain this 4-year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale… Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks.  I really need this yob.
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Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
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I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong. I am giving up.  Drinking for a month.
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Just spent 6 hours linking all my watches together to make a belt… It was a waist of time.
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As I get older and remember all the people I lost along the way, I think to myself…Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
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Stephen Kin has a son named Joe. I’m not joking, but he is.
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You’ve really gotta hand it to short people… Because they usually can’t reach it anyway.
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I went to the doctor and he told me “Don’t eat anything fatty.” I asked: “What like – pizzas or burgers?” He replied: “No, fatty.  Just don’t eat anything.”
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Did you hear about the drummer that had twin daughters? He named them Anna1, Anna2…
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I took my 8-yr-old daughter to the officeon ‘Take Your Kid To Work Day,’ but when we walked in the office she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with?”
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I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.
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Once upon a time there was a King who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the King went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The King was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So the King hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.