Kevin had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Kevin:

 Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So, she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had…Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So, she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So, the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

 Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’

 Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID…. THAT’S WHY WE HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU….THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I don’t approve of political jokes…I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.

Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.

If you are not part of the solution, you’re probably running for President.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.

1. THINGY  (thing-ee)  n.
Female – Any part under a car’s hood.
Male – The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2.  VULNERABLE  (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female – Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male – Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION  (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female – The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male – Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-  mit-ment) n.
Female – A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male – Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT   (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female – A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male – Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE  (flach-u-lens) n.
Female – An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male – A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE   (may-king luv) n.
Female – The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male – Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL  (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female – A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male – A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said – I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it. She said – You wear pants, don’t you?

He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said – That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said – What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said – Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said – Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said – Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power and in water there is bacteria.

A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.

But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.

He couldn’t say he had no children, because he couldn’t lie — we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.

So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.

He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.

He loved one of the homes and the price was right — the agent asked:

“How many children do you have?

He answered: “Twelve.”

The agent asked “Where are the others?”

The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered  “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”

MORAL: It’s not necessary to lie, one only needs to choose the right words… and don’t forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.

(You can’t make up this stuff)

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence I see on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money issues with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own family like this?!

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much and it’s gotten so bad, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember, these people stand in line with you to cast their votes…

Two old blokes, one 80 and one 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day.

“It keeps your energy level high, and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies”.

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around the sales lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”

She said “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some”?

He said, “I want five loaves.”

She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.”

He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me”.