Socialism only works in two places: Heaven, where they don’t need it, and hell, where they already have it.” – Ronald Reagan

“Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose”. – Ronald Reagan

“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help”. – RonaldReagan

“The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; It’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.” – Ronald Reagan

“Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong”. – Ronald Reagan

“I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.” – Ronald Reagan

“The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” – Ronald Reagan

“Government is like a baby: an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.” – Ronald Reagan

“The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.” – Ronald Reagan

“It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.” – Ronald Reagan

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” – Ronald Reagan

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book. – Ronald Reagan

“No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.” – Ronald Reagan

“If we ever forget that we’re one nation under GOD, then we will be a nation gone under.” – Ronald Reagan

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild

Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.  When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the Winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the Winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.  He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming Winter going to be cold?’

‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold Winter?’

‘Yes,’ the man at National Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold Winter.’

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?’

‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest Winters we’ve ever seen.’

‘How can you be so sure?’ the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting a heck of a lot of firewood’.

“Lexophile” describes those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “To write with a broken pencil is pointless.” An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 JEWISH MOTHER

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, “So, Mom, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so. It’s a ten-hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.

“I don’t know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?”

Susan replies, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York.”

“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come.”

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2025, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says: “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?”

The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do”

Mom says proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.” 

ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, “Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?”

Mama says immediately, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Mama. You’re right. How did you know?”

Mama replies: “I don’t like her.” 

AN IRISHMAN’S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him Guinness Stout. He didn’t like it so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style. He didn’t like that either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could barely push the stroller back home.

  

Last one…

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, ‘Oh, my boys, someone got to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?’

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short straw. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

‘Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.’

Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500 at poker; and is afraid to come home.

‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife.

‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.

 ZZ Zzz

The F*** word has become a common word, but sometimes the use of this word can be fatal….

A foursome of men waited to tee off, while a ladies’ foursome was hitting in front of them…..taking their time.

When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10ft. Then she went over & missed it completely. Then she hacked it another 10ft…..and finally hacked it another 5ft.

She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn’t help my game”.

One of the men responded: “Well, there you have it!! You should have taken golf lessons instead.”

He never even had a chance to duck. He was only 43….! May he rest in peace.

1.  A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

2.  Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

3.  The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

4.  A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5.  A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

6.  A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.

7.  A 2″ X 4″ Stud is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.

8.  During the chariot scene in ‘Ben Hur,’ a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch).

9.  On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries…)

10.     Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

11.     Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12.     The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

13.     There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

14.     The name ‘Wendy’ was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded ‘Wendy’ before.

15.     The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

16.     If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)

17.     Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.

18.     The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA.’

19.     The original name for butterfly was flutterby. (And that is a more accurate description)

20.     The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

21.     The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

22.     Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

23.     By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

24.     Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

25.     Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest. (???)

26.     Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

27.     Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”

28.     An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!

29.     The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

30.     The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

31.     Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

32.     Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!