I am only human, although I regret it. ~ Mark Twain

Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. ~ Margaret Culkin Banning

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn’t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena. ~ Jon Stewart

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. ~ Groucho Marx

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken. ~ H. Kyle Seale

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough. ~ Larry David

He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career. ~ George Bernard Shaw

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. ~ Caroline Rhea

I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. ~ Scott Adams

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. ~ Bob Hope

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. ~ Bill Maher

I’m trying to elevate small talk to medium talk. ~ Larry David

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. ~ David Letterman

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. ~ Matt Groening

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. ~ Jackie Mason

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. ~ Carl Sagan

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. ~ Franklin Jones

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots. ~ Ron White

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. ~ Betty White

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. ~ Alexander Woollcott

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own. ~ Si Robertson

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. ~ Steven Wright

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! ~ Tom Lehrer

I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms. ~ Michael Scott

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.

Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…

Only this time there were two people on the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said,

“Do anything you want to me, but my wife is on the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

A young couple moved into a new house.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.

“That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder.

Her husband looked on, remaining silent.

Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.

A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?”

The husband replied, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

And so it is with life… What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.

So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires.

“Judging a person does not define who  they are. It defines who you are.” 💯 Love this! 😊