A politician visited a country town and asked the country folk what their needs were.

“We have two basic needs honorable Sir”, replied the mayor.

“Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor”.

On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone

After speaking for a while he told them that there’d be a doctor there tomorrow and asked for the second problem.

“…secondly Sir, there is no mobile phone coverage anywhere in the town”.

An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

The old lady then asked, “Why?”

The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there s no other matter. There is a queue biehind you.”

She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent.

But then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”

The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady *respectfully*

The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account..

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?”

“No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am.”

Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until seven.”….

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. 

So, I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road carefully, got out of the car and opened the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

As I expected, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting horns and waving like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

“What’s going on here?”

“My car has a flat tire”, I said calmly.

“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”

I couldn’t believe that he didn’t know. So, I told him………“Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!”

I go to court in MARCH.
(Damn Police. No sense of humor.)

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Father-Son Outing
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness.  He didn’t like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn’t.  I drank it.

I thought maybe he’d like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest whisky.  He wouldn’t even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!

Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, I said to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

He replied, “You moron, you’re on my side.”

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside them.

“Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins.” shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, “I don’t think they know who we are; show them your cross.”

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, “Piss off, ya fookin’ little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off.”  She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, “Did that sound cross enough?”

An Irish Blonde In A Casino
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.  She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked.”

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.  Finally, one of them asked,“What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching the dice.”

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men….are men.

In a Bangkok Temple:   IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:   LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor’s Office, Rome:   SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry Cleaners, Bangkok:   DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

A Nairobi Restaurant:   CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE:  WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:   ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ?  IF SO, WE CAN HELP

In a City restaurant:   OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:   PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel’s rules and regulations:   GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:   YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:   IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:   BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A Laundry in Rome:   LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally, the all-time classic, Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:   IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.