When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that, “ since he controlled all parts of the body, he should be boss”.

The feet said, “We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go”.

The hands argued that, “Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss”.

The stomach countered with the explanation that, “since he digested all of the food, he should be boss”.

The eyes said that “ without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss”.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and demanded that he should be boss. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Within a short time,the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly,the hands clenched, the stomach got ill, the eyes became crossed. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit.

Moral Of The Story: You don’t need a brain to be a Boss-any asshole will do

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house, a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick.” As they left, the younger doctor remarked, “You didn’t even examine that woman!” and then asked, “How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick.” The younger doctor replied, “Pretty clever! If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”  “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church.” Then he asked, “But how did you arrive at it?” “I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”

United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’
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On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of yourbelongings.. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

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‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’ ‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’ The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’

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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’

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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.’

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Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo …. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’

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‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

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‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses… except for that gentleman over there.’

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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.’

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

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Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways..’

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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight – ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and, if you can light ’em, you can smoke ’em.’

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the captain made an announcement over the intercom; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax…. OH, MY GOD!’ Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’ A passenger in coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!’

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A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, “Are all of those kids yours?” He replied, “No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.”

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Gosh friends, I’m sure proud to be from Minnesota.

Archeological Study: After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York, scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
 
Not  to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just  outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read,  “California archaeologists, reporting a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.”
 
One week later, a local newspaper in Duluth, MN reported the following: 
”After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Anoka, Ole Olson, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.  Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, MN had already gone wireless.” 

Just makesmefeel so good to be from this fine enlightened state.

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD   OF YOU
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS
9. QUIET PLEASE…WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF

Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke.Go ahead and try it….

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 

Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going? 

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change??? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?

HO HUM DIDDLY DUM  

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’  The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.  She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.  She says, ‘What’s the story?’  He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.  She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together.  Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.  ‘Impossible!’ says the doctor… ‘Show me.  ‘The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.  She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise, she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?’  Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’  ‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!  Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’  ‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’ The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, ‘So what?  We’re going to be the first on the sun!’  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. ‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.  She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’  She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.  The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.  Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’   ‘HELLLOOOOOOO. . .. ,’ answered the blonde.  ‘They’re watch dogs.’

Alaska
More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska.

Amazon
The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States.

Antarctica
Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country. Ninety percent of the world’s ice covers Antarctica. This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert; the average yearly total precipitation is about two inches. Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi Desert.

Brazil
Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Canada
Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ‘ Big Village ‘.

Chicago
Next to Warsaw, Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.

Detroit
Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.

Damascus, Syria
Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.

Istanbul, Turkey
Istanbul, Turkey is the only city in the world located on two continents.

Los Angeles
The full name of Los Angeles is: l Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula– And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.

New York City
The term ‘The Big Apple’ was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930s who used the slang expression ‘apple’ for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City Is to play the big time – The Big Apple. There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin, Ireland; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel.

Ohio
There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio, everyone is man-made.

Pitcairn Island
The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia, at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. Km.

Rome
The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome, Italy (in 133 B.C.) There is a city called Rome on every continent.

Siberia
Siberia contains more than 25% of the world’s forests.

S.M.O.M.
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, and has an area of two tennis courts. And, as of 2001, has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.

Sahara Desert
In the Sahara Desert, there is a town named Tidikelt, Algeria, that did not receive a drop of rain for ten years. Technically, though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island. There has been no rainfall there for two million years

Spain
Spain literally means ‘the land of rabbits’.

St. Paul, Minnesota
St. Paul, Minnesota, was originally called Pig’s Eye after a man named Pierre ‘Pig’s Eye’ Parrant who set up the first business there.

Russia
The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia. It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles.) It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen – so massive that the mud coming from the hole was boiling with it.

Waterfalls
The water of Angel Falls (the world’s highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters.) They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls.

I have always said, you should learn something new every day. Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow. But, give it a shot anyway