Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, But they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. 

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” 

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” 

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.” 

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.” 

Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, So that should do us just fine.” 

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. “Well Bruce, It seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?” 

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the evening, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate is.

While watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house; I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

Moral: Never Bulla Shita your Mama

The Jewish Elbow…
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. “You come to the front door of the apartments, I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.

Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor.

When you get out, I’m on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ………

“What . .. . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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Wise Italian Grandfather
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ” “Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up!’ “?

____________________________________________________

Irish blonde…
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ….. but all men…are men!

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Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:

• FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex – right now.
• FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
• FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
• FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine!

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course ten degrees east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degres west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There’s one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

Jake, Johnny, and Billy died and went to heaven.

“Welcome,” St. Peter said. “You’ll be very happy here if you just obey our rule: Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, they all start quacking and it makes a terrible racket.”

That sounded simple enough until they passed through the Pearly Gates and found thousands of ducks everywhere.

Jake stepped on one right away.

The ducks quacked, making an unholy racket, and St. Peter came up to Jake bringing with him a ferocious-looking Amazon woman. “I warned you if you broke the rule you’d be punished,” St. Peter said. Then he chained the Amazon woman to Jake for eternity.

Several hours later, Johnny stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, they all quacked, and St. Peter stepped up to Johnny with an angry-looking, shrewish woman. “As your punishment,” St. Peter told Johnny, “you’ll be chained to this woman for eternity.”

Billy was extremely careful not to step on a duck. Several months went by.

Then St. Peter came up to him with a gorgeous blonde and chained her to Billy, uniting them for all time.

“Wow!” exclaimed Billy. “I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

“I don’t know about you,” said the beautiful woman, “but I stepped on a duck.”

Six great confusions still unresolved

1. At a movie theater, which ‘arm rest’ is yours?
2. In the word scent, is “S”  silent or “C”?
3. If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
4. Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
5. Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
6. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn’t the opposite of progress be…congress?

Vagaries of English Language!-

• Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?
• Why isn’t a Fireman called a Water-man?
• How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
• If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?
• If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?
• How do you get off a non-stop Flight?
• Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
• Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?
• Why do doctors ‘practice’ medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?
• Why is it called ‘Rush Hour’ when traffic moves at its slowest then?
• How come Noses run and Feet smell?
• Why do they call it a TV ‘set’ when there is only one?
• What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

We can never find the answers, can we? So just enjoy the pun and fun of the English language!!

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…… Floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers
17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
21. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
29. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
34. Why do shops have signs, ‘guide dogs only’, the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind?

The key to what appears to be a conundrum in today’s Day Brightener is – The trick is to understand that 1/2 + 1/3 + 1/9 was not equal to 1 in the first place.