Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?”            Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends.     Every Saturday morning, he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy– just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.    He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.    When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.    “Not really, PaPa, it was boring.   We didn’t see a single asshole, piece of shit, horse’s ass, tree hugger, socialist left-wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, or son of a bitch anywhere we went!     We just drove around, and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw.    I really didn’t have any fun.”

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America; Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as ‘HILLBILLIES’ and/or ‘REDNECKS”. You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT  WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a ‘BABE’ or a ‘CHICK’ – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.’
2. She is not ‘EASY’ – She is   ‘HORIZONTALLYACCESSIBLE.’
3. She is not a ‘DUMB BLONDE’ -She is a ‘LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.‘
4. She has not ‘BEEN AROUND’ – She is a ‘PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.’
5. She does not ‘NAG’ you – She becomes ‘ VERBALLY REPETITIVE.’
6. She is not a ‘TWO-BIT HOOKER’ – She is a ‘ LOW-COST PROVIDER.’

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a ‘BEER GUT’ – He has developed a ‘LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.’
2. He is not a ‘BAD DANCER’ – He is ‘ OVERLY CAUCASIAN.’
3. He does not ‘GET LOST ALL THE TIME’ – He ‘ INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.’
4. He is not ‘BALDING’ – He is in ‘FOLLICLE REGRESSION.’
5. He does not act like a   ‘TOTAL ASS’ – He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.‘ (Loved this one!)
6. 6. It’s not his   ‘CRACK’   you see hanging out of his pants – It’s ‘TROUSER CLEAVAGE.‘ (Loved this one even more!)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ 
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’


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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ 
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
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‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the Divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’ 
’That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ 
’Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’ 
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’ 
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’ 
’Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 
’How was he killed?’ asked one detective. 
’With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied. 
’A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?’ 
’I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
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Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’ 
Joe: ‘Really?’ 
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 
’I’m O.K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered. 
’What did he say,’ asked the nurse. 
’Oops!’ 
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. 
’What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ 
’Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’ 
He’s still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance… 
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

Nineteen blondes go to the cinema. The ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?” Barbie replies, “The film said 18 or over.”

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and found they were $70 each. Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an A.T.M. yesterday. A little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that – 2:30 am? Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend – yet.

 

This is Beau, he’s an 8-week-old German Shepherd. puppy, I bought him as a surprise for my husband, but it turns out he is allergic to dogs. So, I am now urgently looking to find him a new home. I don’t want any money just free to a good home.

His name is Mike he’s 65 years old, a generous and caring man who drives, he is a great cook, good with kids and works really hard.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.” 

“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.”

“But where did you get the tools?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

The guy is stunned.

“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”

“Would you like a drink?”

“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”

“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, “You’ve built a Golf Course too?”

 A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that truck???!!!’

He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’

‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘this one cost me just fifteen dollars.’

So the parents began to yell even louder. ‘Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?’ they  said.

‘It was the lady up the street,’ said the boy.  I don’t know her  name – they just moved in.  She saw me ride past on my bike and asked        me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.

‘Oh my Goodness!,’ moaned the mother, ‘she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next?  John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.’

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new        Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back.  He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and put the money in his account.  So I did.’

(Are women good or what?)