Two elderly nuns, Sister Dulce and Sister Andrea are on their way back from the market one evening. It’s already very late, and they have quite a distance left before reaching their convent.

Suddenly, Sister Dulce grabs hold of Sister Andrea’s arm. “Is it just me,” she asks, “or is that man following us?!”

Sister Andrea glances over her shoulder, then whispers back. “I think he might be, yes!” “What do you think he wants?!”

Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “He’s going to rape us! What should we do?!”

I know,” replies Sister Dulce. “We’ll split up. I’ll take the left road to the convent, and you take the one on the right.”

The nuns part ways, and a few minutes later, Sister Dulce arrives at the convent. She starts pacing in front of the door, worried that some terrible fate has befallen the other nun. Then, just as Sister Dulce is about to give up hope, she sees Sister Andrea running up the path.

“What happened?!” asks Sister Dulce.

“Well,” replies Sister Andrea, “I started running, and the man started chasing me.”

“Oh, no! Then what?!”

“He caught up to me.” Sister Dulce gasps.

“What did you do?!” “The only thing I could do,” Sister Andrea answers.

“I lifted up my dress.”

“What did the man do?!”

“He dropped his pants.”

Sister Dulce clutches her rosary, terrified of what she’s about to hear next.

“Then… then what happened?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” asks Sister Andrea. “A nun with her dress up runs faster than a man with his pants down.”

It is the Christmas season and the judge is in a benevolent mood.

He asks the accused man: “Well, Mr Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honour,” replies Mr Jones humbly.

“That’s no crime,” comments the judge. “What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?”

“Just before the store opened.”

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral. As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Tell me, how much did it really cost.”

“All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand.”

“No!” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but really… $50,000?!”

Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church for the priest’s services. The food and drinks were another $500. And the rest went towards the memorial stone.”

Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone? Exactly how big is it?”

“Seven and a half carats.”

An elderly man had dinner at a very nice restaurant. After he finished his wine, he went to the men’s room, then walked out through the bar.

It was a beautiful evening, so he decided to leave his car in the parking lot and walk home.

When he arrived at his front door, he realised he didn’t have his keys. He finally figured they must be in his jacket pocket, which was still hanging in the restroom. He walked back to the restaurant, found his jacket in the men’s room, and realised he’d left his hat on the table.

He strolled back to the dining room to retrieve his hat, and when he got to his table, his wife asked: 

“Is anything wrong? You took such a long time in there.”

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer. At one point, he needed to choose and enter a new password.

Something he will use to log on, every time.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in,

“p…e…n…i…s.”

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED.  NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Bruce and his wife walked into the dentist’s office.  Bruce told the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry.  Scott and Tony are sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb.

I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it!  We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already…I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!

The dentist thought to himself, “Well, well, at last, a golfer with real balls!!”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

Bruce turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”

A Minnesota farmer named Ole had an accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company’s hot-shot attorney questioned him thusly, ‘Didn’t you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, I’m fine?” 

Ole responded, ‘vell, I’ll tell you vat happened dere. I’d yust loaded my fav’rit cow, Bessie, into da…’ 

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine!

Ole said, ‘vell, I’d yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin’ down da road….’ The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honor, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.   Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the attorney, ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie.’  

Ole said, ‘Tank you’ and proceeded vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav’rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin’ her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch. 

By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn’t want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.’  

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorcycle turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’ too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.  

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feelin’?’

 ‘Now wot da heck vud you say?

Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

 
The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too..?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking drywall”.