I THINK IT MADE ME FEEL NOT QUITE SO OLD.

Our favorite cartoon characters are also now seniors …. This really did make me feel better!

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, WOW!   WHAT A RIDE! —

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the s… out of all of you!'”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA — ONLY U.S. CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY

Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read an ad in the newspaper for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do and decided to apply. She submitted an application to a Florida lemon grove but seemed far too qualified for the job.

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master’s degree from Michigan State University. For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a schoolteacher.

The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, “I see you are well-educated and have an impressive resume. However, I must ask whether you have any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Trump.”

She started work yesterday.

Viking fans can relate!!

A union boss walks into a bar from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a “TRUMP, Make America Great Again” cap with a mug of beer sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender…. but not for the ‘Republican’.

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the ‘Union Boss’.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, “Thank you!”

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, “What is wrong with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts…?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”

Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.  His assistant walked up to him and said,
‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’  The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.  He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’

She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..

<<>>

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’

Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’

‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’

<<>>

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’

‘Yep!’

‘Do I know her?’

‘Nope!’

‘This woman, is she good looking?’

‘Not really.’

‘Is she a good cook?’

‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’

‘Does she have lots of money?’

‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’

‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’

‘Because she can still drive!’

<<>>

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’

Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’

Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’

<<>>

A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art.. It’s perfect.’

‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’

‘ Twelve thirty..’

<<>>

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’

Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’

<<>>

One more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

I am starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

Homeschooling question: Does having your children fix you mixed cocktails count as a chemistry lesson?  (Sorry, I’m new at this) 😊

Where’s your husband?. In the garden….I didn’t see him….You just need to dig a little.

You know if you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day but look at me now! I’m saving the world!

Is possible to make a meal out of oatmeal chocolate and chili

If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock” don’t open it.  It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home.

In the last 20 days of lockdown, I have seen all 54 movies John Wayne made

I had for years thought my mail lady was a bit homely. She is getting better looking every day.

I swear my fridge just said: “what the hell do you want now?”

Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food.  We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers.  And we get really excited about car rides.

I have a bunch of ballpoint pens for something to do I counted them. Counted them 3 times, got 3 different answers. They average 53, I’m going with that.

If anyone owes you money, go to their house now. They should be home.

There are 4 feet 3 1/2 inches of toothpaste in a new tube.

Washing a car 3 days in a row will not make it any shinier

If you drive by my house and 3 kids are standing in the yard, they are expelled from home school

Homeschooling Day #3: they all graduated. #Done.

For something to do I just washed two loads of clean cloths

I’m giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, punctuation typo. I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.

You cannot ripen green bananas in a microwave

Never before have I wished my mother-in-law would come to visit.

My neighbors are thinking polishing my gutters is a bit strange.

The porno channel crashed from too many users.

I’m a light drinker. Sunrise was 6:35 this morning

I wonder if Amazon has cyanide and can I get free shipping

Stay well my friend