Regardless which side of the aisle you are on given the current political climate this should resonate

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

It’s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

A London Lawyer And An Irish Cop

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says,”Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Irish cop says,”Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish   cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? “

PRESBYTERIAN:  When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES – LET’S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS!  NO MORE Z’S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I’M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

• He gave his father “the talk”
• His passport requires no photograph
• When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
• Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
• His Cinco de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
• His feet don’t get blisters, but his shoes do
• He once went to the psychic, to warn her
• If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
• Whatever side of the tracks he’s currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he’ll still be on the right side
• He can speak Russian… in French
• He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
• Superman has pajamas with his logo
• His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
• The circus ran away to join him
• Bear hugs are what he gives bears
• He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
• When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
• His friends call him by his name, his enemies don’t call him anything because they are all dead
• He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
• If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn’t be dark
• He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
• He can kill two stones with one bird
• His signature won a Pulitzer
• When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
• He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
• The dark is afraid of him
• Sharks have a week dedicated to him
• His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
• No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
• He once made a weeping willow laugh
• He lives vicariously through himself
• His business card simply says ‘I’ll Call You”
• He once taught a German shepherd how to bark in Spanish
• He bowls overhand
• In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
• He is allowed to talk about the fight club
• He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
• He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle

An engineer, an architect and a politician were arguing about which profession came first.

“Engineering of course” said the engineer. “Somebody had to build the universe.”

The architect goes, “who do you think designed it before you could build it? Somebody had to put order into chaos first.”

The politician goes, “who do you think created the chaos?”

“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father, “do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’? ”

“No, sweetheart,” he answered. “Some begin with ‘If I am elected.”

A Texas state trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was … a magician and juggler and was on his way to Austin to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn’t want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn’t give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car.  A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the trooper’s car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, ‘cause there ain’t no way in Hell I can pass that test.”

Two Norwegians are drinking in a bar.  One says, “Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?”

“Aww, Shit,” says his friend, “and I just joined the Knights of Columbus !”

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:

• Metal
• Wood
• Stone

Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,  ‘If your  daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.’

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, ‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?

M&M’s of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What on earth were you thinking? I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!