Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:

• Metal
• Wood
• Stone

Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,  ‘If your  daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.’

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess, ‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?

M&M’s of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What on earth were you thinking? I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, “Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?” He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “a**hole.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a “s*ithead.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with (Insert Name Of Your Least Favorite Presidential Candidate Here) stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s so important at our age!!

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99’.

The old guy obeys and says, “99”.

The doctor says, “Great”.   Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99”.

Again, the old guy says, ‘99′.”

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, ‘99′.

The old guy begins,  “One …. Two … Three” …

If you are a senior you will understand this one; if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet, God willing, someday you will be.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. ‘Sounds good,’ my wife said.  ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE’VE been around the block more than once!

Send this to the Seniors in your life. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it! Even non-seniors will appreciate it! Always laugh when you can – it’s cheaper than medicine!

This test is to ascertain your mental state now. If you get one right you are doing OK, if you get none right you better go for counseling or get a job.

There are 4 test questions. Don’t miss one.

Giraffe Test
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

Elephant Test
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

Lion King Test
3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer:
The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

Crocodile Test
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:
You jump into the river and swim across. Haven’t you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, Around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends..PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you
should make you feel good.

The only word that works!!! The “F” word! Quite frankly; the little four letter “F” word can be the ONLY word in the English language that accurately describes some situations . . .

The word is ‘FEAR,’ of course! What in the world were you thinking? Sometimes I worry about you.