On a golf tour in Ireland, Phil Mickelson drives his Mercedes-Benz in to a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Phil nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those?”, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Phil.

“Well, what on god’s earth are they for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Phil.

“Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “Mercedes thinks of everything!”.

A priest, a baptist and a rabbi walk into a bar and started getting sloshed.

They decide that they need to test their faith to see which one is the best. They decide the ultimate challenge is to see if they can convert a bear.

So the next day they all go out into the wood to try and meet up again at the bar that night.

The priest comes in with a broken arm and scratches all over his body and smilingly says: “I had to run around the bear and read him the entire Bible but he saw the light and he was converted.”

The baptist is on crutches with two broken legs and a broken arm and his head all bandaged. He says: “I had to wrestle that bear to the ground and baptize him in the stream but he saw the light and he was converted, hallelujah!”

Then the Rabbi gets wheeled in in a full body cast. He says: “Ya know, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”

Sven, a small town Minnesota furniture retailer, decided to expand his line of furniture in his store, so he traveled to Paris to check wholesale furniture.  He visited manufacturers; made his selections of what he knew would sell back home. With time on his hands he relaxed at a small bistro with a glass of red wine.

Enjoying the Paris ambiance and people-watching he realized his table for two had the only empty chair in the entire bistro. Sure enough a beautiful solo Parisian woman came to his table and asked him something in French, a language he was totally inept with, so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to join him. 
He tried to speak to her in English, but that was useless, as she spoke no English. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine   glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left   the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance.  They danced until the cafe was about to close and the band was packing up.  Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  To this day, Sven has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

 My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need … not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their noses?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

OK to let a fool kiss you, but not OK to let a kiss fool you.

Kiss is merely shopping upstairs for real merchandise downstairs.

Better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Man with broken condom often called Daddy.

Drunken man’s words often sober man’s thoughts.

Marriage is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Viagra just like Disneyland ……One hour wait for 2-minute ride..

Joke is just like sex. Neither any good if you don’t get it.

Virginity like bubble on stream of life, one prick, and it’s gone forever.

Man who eat many prunes, get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it..

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Man who leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.

“A Lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscle Contractions’ to first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, “Probably golfing with his buddies.”

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a shrink and told him: I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge I asked?

One hundred fifty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I’ll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.  Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.

Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.

Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain’t nobody under there now.

It’s always better to get a second opinion.