An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you,
Vinnie

Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, heasked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’  The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’

The cop was happy and left the shop.  The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’  The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. As Ronald Reagan said: “Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”

If you don’t forward this, you have no sense of humor.  Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future.

Peter Olivesky worked in a famous Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Peter to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day Peter came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Pete tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it and was immediately fired.

Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, “I don’t understand. What about the pickle slicer?”

Pete replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!  I think we all know someone capable of doing this)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I’m still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don’t try this at home; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the…?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes!! Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can’t believe that pig …quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm…….)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. In other words, send it to everyone! (and God love that pig.)

That morning, I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday,’ and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday. ‘I thought…. well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So, when I left for the office I felt pretty low and somewhat dejected.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss, Rick, said, “Good morning, pretty lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!” I felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, “It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch just you and me.”

I said, “Thanks, Rick, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.  Let’s go!”

We went to lunch, but we didn’t go where we normally would go.  He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.  We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office Rick said, ‘”t’s such a beautiful day; we don’t need to go straight back to  the office, do we?”

I responded, “I guess not.  What do you have in mind?”

He said, “Let’s drop by my place, it’s just around the corner”.

After arriving at his house Rick turned to me and said, “If you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the  bedroom for just a moment.  I’ll be right back.”

“Ok,” I nervously replied.  He went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes he came out carrying a huge birthday cake followed by my husband, my kids, my parents, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers all singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

And I just sat there…on the couch….

Not really feeling much like talking . . .

Six retired gents were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna tell his wife?” They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet.  Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer’s condo and knocks on the door.

The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?  Goldberg declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.

“I’ll go tell him.” says Goldberg.

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,

“What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again “What would you like, sir?”  Again, the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “a quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.

Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my  “doing something useful” seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me,” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, “Are you nuts? You ‘re almost 79 years old, and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”   “I’m in trouble again, and I don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week,” I told her.  She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.