During a commercial airline flight an experienced Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, “that’s a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!”

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby’s ears.

The pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, “And all these years, I’ve been chewing gum.

Two 90-year old guys, Leo and Frank, had been friends all of their lives.  When it was clear that Leo was dying, Frank visited him every day. One day Frank said’ Leo, we both loved playing baseball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s baseball there.’

Leo looked up at Frank from his deathbed and said, ‘Frank you’ve been my best friend for many years.  If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’

Shortly after that, Leo passed on. A few nights later, Frank was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, Frank… Frank ‘……’Who is it?’ asked Frank sitting up suddenly.  ‘Who is it?’

‘Leo– it’s me, Leo’.

‘You’re not Leo, Leo just died.’

‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Leo’ insisted the voice.

‘Leo! Where are you?’

‘In Heaven,’ replied Leo. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’

‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Frank.

‘The good news,’ Leo said, ‘is that there’s baseball in Heaven.  Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired.’

‘That’s fantastic,’ said Frank ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams!  So what’s the bad news?

You’re pitching Tuesday.’

One evening, after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage.  His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence, she finally said, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.  And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment…”And what’s the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?

Bob got a horrified look on his face.

She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

He replied, “You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Bob replied, “I wasn’t…”

Thinking back a few years, vacationing in Florida, I remember Hurricane Matthew. I was ready for it but my wife was not.    When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the spot.

She stared and stared through the glass of the window, immovable, with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever.

Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived, and the winds temporarily lessened, I was able to open the door and let her inside.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?”

“So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.”

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.

“OK. Good luck!”

“Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

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Cabbage

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ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

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This is a detective story, so, Pay Close Attention!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Cubs’ baseball game.

They smuggled a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park.

The game is really exciting, and they are enjoying themselves immensely… mixing the Jack Daniels with soft drinks.

Soon, they realize that the bottle is almost gone, and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

Think!

You have all the information you need to come up with the correct answer.

Think some more!

Answer:

It’s the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.”Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt”, the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?”

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sounds good to me,” and promptly sinks the putt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one.”

The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?”

Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”

“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says,” I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all.”

“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies. “I’m Father O’Malley.”…