Two of the most overlooked qualities in life are patience and wisdom:

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to “make a difference” in the world It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other “seniors” who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

“I’ve often been asked, ‘What do you do now that you’re retired?’ Well…I’m fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It’s rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it.”

Warning – These are NOT as easy as they appear to be.

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April.  The second child was named May.…..What was the third child’s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers.…..What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,…..what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole….that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language…..is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer……How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.…..Why not?

8. What was the President’s name in 1975? 

9. If you were running a race…..and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say……“The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field ……how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers  

1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children.. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name? Answer: Johnny of course

2.. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat.

3.. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four fee? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can ‘t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President ‘s name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now – Barack Obama [Oh, come on … ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11.. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

• How does Moses make tea?…….. Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again?……. Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home……. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then…….. I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me,…… The crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have,……. A Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, …….but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but………. It was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic……… It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage……. Are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says,……. He can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, ……..and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, ……..but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die,…….. They barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…….. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. ……… It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? ……… They had reservations.
• I didn’t like my beard at first………. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because……. She couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection,…… Urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are…….. Pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?……. A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy…….. Marx.
• ll the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen…….. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because…. I kneaded dough.
• Velcro …… What a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male.. Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female….. The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;
He said…. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…. You wear pants, don’t you?

He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said…. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

Marijuana and Marriage in Washington State:

On a single day, Washington State recently passed two laws.

1.    Legalized gay marriage
2.   Legalized marijuana.

Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana on the same day now makes perfect Biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says:
“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

Apparently, we just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!

Such Ingenuity Cannot Be Ignored!

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a playday. ‘Mommy, ‘ the little girl asks, ‘how old are you?’

‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’

‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’

‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’

Undaunted, the little girl asks, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’

‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.

‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’

The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?

‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’

‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’

‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘ Why?’

‘Because you got an F in sex.’

Here is the situation:

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop-off.

On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round and go home;

You’ve had enough excitement for one day….