Possibly the funniest story in a while. Well, not for the bricklayer, that is. This is a bricklayer’s accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. Had this guy died, he’d have received a Darwin Award for sure….

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs 

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

 You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

I don’t understand why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise on TV or why anyone would think of trying one of the medicines after listening to the laundry list of warnings of possible side effects. But this is definitely an exception!

• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
• Do you sometimes feel stressed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.**    See below **

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you’ll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past. You will discover talents you never knew you had.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it but women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

• Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
• The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information!

LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!

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**CHARDONNAY, Scotch, or Bourbon may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results!

I’m sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor’s offices on everything from tissues to notepads. This one should get First Prize…

I  e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: “If light stays on more than 4 hours, call erectrician.

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks “What’s with the money in the jar?”

“Well… you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.”

The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up. And so he asks “What are the three tests?”

“You must pay first… Those are the rules” says the bartender.

So after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

“Okay,” the bartender says “here’s what you need to do:

First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.

Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex… You have to take care of that problem!”

The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10 but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things”

“Your call,” says the bartender… “But, your money stays where it is.”

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says “Where’s the damn tequila?” He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks… But he doesn’t make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds.

Then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and blood all over his body.

He says, “Now where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man:  Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:  And how long have you been drinking?

Man:  About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:  So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?

Man:  Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Porsche?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Porsche?

Number 10 – Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 – Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 – Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6 – Some people are like a Slinky–not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 – All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 – Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800, and a substantial tax cut save you $30?

Number 2 – In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 – Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–what you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

– – – and as someone recently said to me: “Don’t worry about old age–
it doesn’t last that long.”

A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city’s problems.

Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, “Listen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”

“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”

“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”

“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”

“Well, I really don’t know …”

“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”

“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”

“Well let’s go inside and settle this”

“No, my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”

“You’re on!” said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”

The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn “nun” out there again!?!”

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.  In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: ‘How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?’ Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.  Here is his astute answer:

“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.  When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25-year-old Scotch

The Great Lao-Tzu said
“It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you come to realize that you can solve problems without using violence.”

Sex & Calories
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?

After my Prostate Exam:
The Doctor left. Then the Nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words no man wants to hear: “Who was that”?

Quote from John Wayne;
“Life is hard and harder if you are stupid”

Remember:
Humor is like salt, everything goes better with it.

Consistency:
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked: “Is someone in your house?” He said “No,” but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”

George said, “Okay.” He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now, because I just shot and killed them both” and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

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GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”

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INSTRUCTIONS
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery, and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes, Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best; and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife….”

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AGING
Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say: “You don’t look that old.”