I was in the six-item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which six items would you like to buy?”

(Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?)

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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

“Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”

They were seated immediately.

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The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”

Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives..”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A minute.”

Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”

The Lord replies, “A penny.”

Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”

The Lord replies, “In a minute.”

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Jake was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, “Give me one last request, dear,” he said.

“Of course, Jake,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” Jake said, “I want you to marry Bert.”

“But I thought you hated Bert,” she said..

With his last breath Jake said, “I do!”

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A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I  have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is going to poison me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s going to poison me.   What should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man.

He says, “I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said, “Yes” and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

Guys Over 60 (Has merit)

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists.  You can’t be older than 42 to join the military.  They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.  You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 55.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.  Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.  ‘My back hurts!  I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.’ We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 am.  Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured, we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them.  In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.  We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food.  We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns.  We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however…  I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too…  I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl.  He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists.  The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!  How about recruiting Women over 50…in menopause!!!  You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!  If nothing else, put them on border patrol.  They’ll have it secured the first night!

Send this to all of your senior friends…it’s in big type so they can read it.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:

“Want coffee.”

The waiter says, “Whoa…! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

“Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned
 that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to
 the very same dentist two years before. Is that so asked the first old guy? Did he do a good job?

The second oldster replied, Well, I was on the golf course
 yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have 
been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles.

The first old guy was confused and asked, What the hell 
does that have to do with your dentures?

It was the first time my teeth didn’t hurt…..

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.

‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’

The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’ Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do you want to go to heaven? The man said, ‘I do, Father.’ The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’  ‘Certainly, Father,’ the man replied. ‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?’ O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’
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Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, ‘Okay, pedestrians.’ Then he’d allow the traffic to pass. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the  cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, ‘Is it not about time ye let the Catholics cross?’
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut, The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’
_______________________________________________________________

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘Oh yeah?’ said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end?’

‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say?’

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’
_______________________________________________________________

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Finney. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room She said, ‘You were drunk again last night, weren’t you?’

Paddy said, ‘Why would you say such a mean thing?

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said. “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.”

“The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter?”

A Sign In A Shoe Repair Store In Vancouver Reads:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A Sign On A Blinds And Curtain Truck:
“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, You’ve come to the right place.”

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.  However, if you don’t, YOU will be de-lighted.”

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank Heaven for little grills.”

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

And the best one for last…;

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

A man walks into the lingerie department of Macy’s and tells the sales lady, ‘I would like a Southern Baptist bra for my wife, size – 34B.’

With a quizzical look, the sales lady asks, ‘What kind of bra?’

He repeats, ‘A Southern Baptist bra. My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted.’ …

‘Oh, yes, now I understand,’ says the sales lady. ‘We don’t get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.’

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asks, ‘So, what are the differences?’

The sales lady responds. ‘It’s really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.’

He muses on that information for a minute and says, ‘Hmm. I know I’ll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist bra do?’

‘Ah,’ she replied, ‘the Southern Baptist bra makes mountains out of molehills!!!

The Resurrection

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.” It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.