A man walks into a chemist shop with his 12-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool,” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January one for February one for March…….”

A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.

 ‘While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…. ‘Go get your Mother’

The Millennials don’t know what they’re missing – 1960 Hits Renamed

Some of the artists of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the “Limbo” as if it were yesterday. They include:

• Herman’s Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker
• The Bee Gees — How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
• Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
• Johnny Nash —  I Can’t See Clearly Now
• Paul Simon— Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
• The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
• Procol Harem— A Whiter Shade Of Hair
• Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping
• The Temptations — Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone
• Abba— Denture Queen
• Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
• Helen Reddy — I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore
• Leslie Gore— It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want To

And Last, but NOT least:

• Willie Nelson — On the Commode Again Every day may not be good…. But there’s something good in every day.

A woman is entertaining her lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The man says, ‘Yes, it is.’

Boy – ‘I have a golf ball.’

Man – ‘That’s nice.’

Boy – ‘Want to buy it?’

Man – ‘No, thanks.’

Boy – ‘My dad’s outside.’

Man – ‘OK, how much?’

Boy – ‘$250’

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover, are in the closet together.

Boy – ‘Dark in here.’

Man – ‘Yes, it is.’

Boy – ‘I have a sand wedge.

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘How much?’

Boy – ‘$750’

Man – ‘Sold.’

A few days later, the boy’s father says to the boy, ‘Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let’s go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.’

The father says, ‘What?! How much did you sell them for?’

Boy – ‘$1,000.’

The father says, ‘That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.’

They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, ‘Dark in here.’

The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit with me again. You’re in my closet now!!!’

The best story of year doesn’t give the proper praise and credit for this painful, but understandable story as told by a loving wife.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Barbie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “Hi, I’m Phil.” The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife; the word is sternum.”

Two beggars in Rome are sitting side by side on a street. One has is holding a Cross; the other, the Star of David.  Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand?  This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.  In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, “Mortie, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.  Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished.

It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex’.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’

‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends.

‘Oh, that. Dave was too tired.’