From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off–it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’

“I doubt it”, said the truly proud Texan.  ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes who attended church only when the weather was bad.

“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.

“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight,” he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all the sons of bitches!”

All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!  Old golfers never die, they just keep driving away.

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila…… Floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station toilets? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers
17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
21. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
23. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
29. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
32. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
33. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
34. Why do shops have signs, ‘guide dogs only’, the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind?

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.  Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,” he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, “Darn, lady, you played that perfectly.” The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.” She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme, sweetheart.”

The blonde smiled and said, “Your car or mine?’

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

Cowboys around the Hoodlum Wagon, Spur Ranch, Texas, 1910
Judging by the saddle style, this unidentified cowboy was working in the late 1870s or 1880s. In his holster, he carries a Colt model 1873 single action revolver with hard rubber grips, and he has looped his left arm around a Winchester model 1873 carbine in a saddle scabbard. On the back of the photo is the light pencil inscription “Indian fighter.”

Snow Tunnel ~ On the Ouray and Silverton Toll Rd ~ Colorado ~ 1888

1899 Concord, Michigan “Buggy & Wagon Shop”

Thankful someone took the time to photograph this type of beauty – April 1937.
Buttermilk Junction,  Martin County, IN.

1887 – West Center Street, Anaheim, California. Now we have Disneyland here.
Moser’s Guns, Banjos, and Mules at the Livery stable in East Tennessee around 1890.
In 1906, a massive magnitude 7.9 earthquake ruptured the entire San Andreas Fault in Northern California. That is a huge running crack in the ground. Now they are building houses right on the line, as fast as the boards can be delivered. Hmmmm!

This is what real cowboys looked like in 1887. Not as fancy as on TV, huh!
Some of the toughest, bravest people we know of. They gave it their all to go west and start a new life. This wagon train is in eastern Colorado in 1880.
This moose team belonged to W.R. (Billy/Buffalo Bill) Day. They were found by a Metis, near Baptiste Lake, in 1910 and were reared by bottle and broken to drive, by Mr. Day, at Athabasca Landing, during the winter of 1910. Mr. Day and the moose team hauled mail and supplies.
In the American Civil War, soldiers were required to have at least four opposing front teeth, so that they could open a gunpowder pouch. Some draftees had their front teeth removed to avoid service. In our day, they just jumped the border into Canada.
Here we have a tired old prospector during the Klondike Gold Rush.
Lulu Parr – Her skill with the gun caught the attention of Pawnee Bill, who signed her to his show in 1903. She left that show but came back in 1911. By that time, Pawnee Bill had joined Buffalo Bill’s show. Buffalo Bill was so in awe of Lulu’s willingness to ride unbroken ponies, that he presented her with an ivory-handled, Colt single-action revolver, engraved with “Buffalo Bill Cody to Lulu Parr—1911.” A KIND OF PARR FOR THE COARSE?
View from the driver’s seat of a 40 mule, team. These rigs were used to haul Borax out of Boron, CA and then loaded onto railroads for manufacturing. All this so you could do the laundry! Man, that’s a lot of horses.
Hoops had to be removed before taking your seat in a carriage and then they were hooked onto the back of the carriage.
Omaha Board of Trade in Mountains near Deadwood, SD April 26, 1889. It was created in 1889 by John C. H. Grabill, photographer. The picture presents procession of stagecoaches loaded with passengers coming down a mountain road.
This is a stunning photograph from 1862. The image shows a horse-drawn Civil War ambulance crew, removing the wounded from a battlefield.

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use body lotion for a couple of days.”

Andrea replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The pharmacist says, “Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week.”

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

Corollary: A 250-yard drive counts the same as a 24-inch missed putt.

Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.

There is no such thing as a friendly wager.

The six stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.

The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches from the hole.

Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.

It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to lower your hat size.

If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backwards.

One good shank deserves another.

It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.

No golfer ever swung too slowly.

No golfer ever played too fast.

One birdie is a hot streak.

No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.

Any change works for three holes.

The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the people watching.

Never play your son for money.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about your golf swing.

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.

The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

Confidence completely evaporates in the presence of fairway water.

It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

The rake is always in the other trap.

The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dog-leg to the right.

The rough will be mowed tomorrow.

The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.

It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time.

Out of bounds is always on the right for right handed golfers.

The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.

No one with funny head covers ever broke par except Tiger Woods.

The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.

Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.

No matter how far the shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.

If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can’t learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn that fact.

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make forhis behavior .

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

“Did you dance much?” “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.