♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦The USA is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them food?

♦ Money talks, .but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk

Over the urnial in a Golf Course Men’s Room

Beauty is only a light switch away – Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. – The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. – Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar & Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry – Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tee, Tucson, AZ

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere – Written in the dust on the back of a bus Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war hell, do both GET MARRIED! – Women’s restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. – Revolution Books New York, NY

If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! – Men’s restroom House of Representatives Washington, DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less – Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, AZ

You’re too good for him – Sign over the mirror in Women’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone. – Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA

And perhaps the most realistic one

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. Women’s restroom Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, TX

All the members of the company’s Board of Directors were called into the Chairman’s office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked, “Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Foyt?”

“Oh, no, sir, positively not!” Ted replied.

“Are you absolutely sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Miss Foyt, anytime, anywhere,”insisted Ted.

“Good. Then you fire her.”

“Hello, my name is Bob, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She ‘goes out with the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How  can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door.

She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I’m so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook.  In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn’t been born a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

It’s been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I’m so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway.”

I’m so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid. There’s so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

I’m so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said: “Nothing, your eyesight is perfect.”

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy — for birth control.

My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

That’s Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield

WOMAN’S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN’S REVENGE
‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.’ He addressed the man, ‘Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?’ Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, ‘It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ‘Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, ‘You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo- ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she. (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day… 30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, ‘I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. ‘The wife responded, ‘Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.’ Wife replies, ‘No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.’ Husband replies, ‘I can’t believe that, show me..’ So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ‘HEBREWS’

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’ Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

The year was 1917 (This will boggle your mind) “One hundred years ago.”What a difference a century makes! Here are some statistics for the Year 1917:

• The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
• Fuel for cars was sold in drug stores only.
• Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
• Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
• The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
• The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
• The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
• A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.
• A dentist $2,500 per year.
• A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.
• And, a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
• More than 95 percent of all births took place at home
• Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
• Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”
• Sugar cost four cents a pound.
• Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
• Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
• Most women only washed their hair once a month, and, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
• Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
• The Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

• The American flag had 45 stars …
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.
• There was neither a Mother’s Day nor a Father’s Day.
• Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write.
• And, only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner drugstores.
• Back then pharmacists said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!” (Shocking?)
• Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help…
• There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself. From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD all in a matter of seconds!

It is impossible to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years