Day Brightener – Sometimes You Have To Shape Your Request Carefully

A man walks into a restaurant  with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to  the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the  ostrich.

A short time later the waitress  returns with the order. “That will Be $9.40 please”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out  the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come  again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays  with exact change.

This becomes routine until the  two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a  steak, baked potato and a salad,” says the man.

“Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and  says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out  of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back  her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the  exact change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several  years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and  offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay  for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the  right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the  waitress.

“Most people would ask for a Million dollars  or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as  you live!”

“That’s right..Whether it’s a  gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says  the man.

The waitress asks, “What’s with the  ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and  answers. “My second wish was for a tall chick with a  big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

Day Brightener – This Is Either Senior Romance Or Will You Make Up Your Mind

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Linda is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, “You need a piece of tail.”

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

Friday Frivolity – An Adult Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,  ‘If your  daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.’

The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King’s wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. 
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
‘Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.’

The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!   The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.

And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?

 

M&M’s of course!  They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking?
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!

Day Brightener – Sunday Morning In Stockholm, Minnesota

One Sunday morning, the Lutheran pastor noticed Ole standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The old Swede had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside Ole, and said quietly, ‘Good morning Ole.’

‘Good morning Pastor,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. ‘Pastor, vat is dis?’ The pastor said, ‘Well, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who died in the service. Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, Ole’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, ‘Vich service, da 8:30 or da 10:45?

 

Day Brightener – What Is Couple Sex?

Make sure that you understand the question first….All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this was too funny not to forward. We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. (Some of us anyway!) Enjoy!

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, “Grampa, what is a couple sex? ”

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question then she’s old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question, honey? ”

The little girl replied, “Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.”

Day Brightener – Proofreading Is A Dying Art, Wouldn’t You Say? 

  Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!   They put in a correction the next day.   

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  
Really? Ya think?  
—————————— —————————— —————-

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  
Now that’s taking things a bit far!  
—————————— —————————–

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  
What a guy!  
—————————— —————————— —

Miners Refuse to Work after Death  
Good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!  
—————————— ————————

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  
See if that works any better than a fair trial!  
—————————— —————————-

War Dims Hope for Peace  
I can see where it might have that effect!  
—————————— —————————— —-

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  
Ya think?!  
—————————— —————————— ———–

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  
Who would have thought!  
—————————— —————————— —-

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  
They may be onto something!  
—————————— —————————— ————

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges  
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?  
—————————— —————————-

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge  
He probably IS the battery charge!  
—————————— —————-

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!  
—————————— —————–

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!  
—————- —————————— —

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks  
Do they taste like chicken?  
———————————————————–

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!  
—————————————————————-

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
Boy, are they tall!  
—————————————————————
And the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
———————————————————————–
Did I read that right? 
Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to …..(maybe even a chuckle).  

We all need a good laugh, at least once a day !

Day Brightener – Did I Read That Sign Right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: 
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: 
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN   

In an office: 
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD  

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Notice in health food shop window: 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so) 
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR 

Seen during a conference: 
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field: 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 

Message on a leaflet: 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door: 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK) 

Day Brightener – Two Nuns And Math And Logic

There were two nuns, one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the
other one as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½
minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later…

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll
go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so
he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty……

Say two Hail Marys and be logical and forward this email to your friends!

And the Moral of the Story is:

LOGIC BEATS MATH ANYTIME.

And Math cannot survive without Logic.

Day Brightener – The Night Light

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”

“Oh, sweet Jesus” exclaims Ethel. “He’s pissin’ in the refrigerator again!