Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted..

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

And Finally, Confucius Did Not Say. . … 
“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

In a trial in Mississippi, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand… a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot, when you haven’t got the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state… not to mention, he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died on the spot.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said… “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

1. Back Straight, Knees Bent
2. Feet Shoulder Width Apart.
3. Form A Loose Grip
4. Keep Your Head Down!
5. Stay Out Of The Water.
6. Try Not To Hit Anyone
7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You
8. Don’t Stand Directly In Front Of Others.
9. Quiet Please…While Others Are Preparing.
10. Don’t Take Extra Strokes.

Well Done.. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee OffTry Not To Hit Anyone.

It was the coldest winter ever.  Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

Dr. Thomas Sowell is an American intellectual giant.  He is a Senior Fellow at the Hoover Institution at Stanford University born in NC, but raised in Harlem.  Educated at Harvard, Colombia and Chicago.  He is an economist who has taught at Cornell, Brandeis, The Urban Institution, UCLA and now at Stanford.

If you have always believed that everyone should play by the same rules and be judged by the same standards, that would have gotten you labeled a radical 60 years ago, a liberal 30 years ago and a racist today. Thomas Sowell
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/t/thomassowe371240.html

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘prejudice’ these days…………….

A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”

The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a red light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, ‘What kind of car ya got there sonny?’ The doctor replies, ‘A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars! ‘That’s a lot of money,’ says the old man. ‘Why does it cost so much?’ ‘Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!’ states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, ‘Mind if I take a look inside?’ ‘No problem,’ replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, ‘That’s a pretty nice car, all right… But I’ll stick with my Moped!’ Just then the light changes, So the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster! ‘What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?’ the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, He sees that it’s the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, ‘I’m a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you?’ The old man whispers, ‘Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.

A  drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out  of a bar with a key in his hand and he is  stumbling

Back and  forth. A Mountie on the beat sees him and  approaches,

“Can I  help you Sir?”

“Yessh!  Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr”, the Newfie  replies.

The Mountie   asks, “Where was your car the last time  you saw it?”

“It wasss  on the end of thisshh key”, the Newfie  replies.

About that  time the Mountie  looks down and sees  the man’s willy hanging out of his fly for all  the world to see.

He asks  the man, “Sir are you aware that you are  exposing yourself?”

Momentarily  confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his  crotch and blurts  out….

“Holy Cow! My girlfriend is gone too…

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 
Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’ 
Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’


___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ 
The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
___________________________________________

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the Divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’ 
’That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’ 
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ 
’Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. 
The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’ 
The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?’ 
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’ 
’Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 
’How was he killed?’ asked one detective. 
’With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied. 
’A golf gun! What the heck is a golf gun?’ 
’I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’ 
___________________________________________

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’ 
Joe: ‘Really?’ 
Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 
’I’m O.K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered. 
’What did he say,’ asked the nurse. 
’Oops!’ 
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. 
’What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ 
’Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’ 
He’s still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance… 
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered,  “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and get some dinner”.