“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we know now and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there will ever be to know and understand.” – Albert Einstein

“Live the life you’ve dreamed” – Henry David Thoreau

“Happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present.” – Jim Rohn

“Once you make a decision, the Universe conspires to make it happen.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

“What we think, we become.” – Buddha

“My favorite things in life don’t cost any money. It’s really clear that the most precious resource we all have is time.” – Steve Jobs

“It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change.” – Charles Darwin

“Two roads diverged in the woods and I took the one less traveled, and that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost

“Change is Inevitable, except from a Vending Machine.” – Bumper Sticker

“Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.” – John Wooden

“There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.” – Charles Dickins

“Happiness is not an accident. Nor is it something you wish for. Happiness is something you design.” – Jim Rohn

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” – Maya Angelou

One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I’ll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Ole, Sven, and other old Swedes over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, they had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” says Ole, “Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

JUST SAYING

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.” – Lynn Lavner

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” – George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.” – Sharon Stone

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” – Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” – Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” – Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?” – Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked!” – Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time.” – Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. – Steve Martin

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. – Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” – Oscar Wilde

“Drag and Drop”

“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

“We beat the customer.  Not the competition”

“And you thought leg room was an issue”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Fight or flight.  We decide”

“Now offering one free carry off”

“Beating random customers since 2017”

“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

“A bloody good airline”

Who says senior citizens don’t wear stylish clothes. Hah!!

I WANT THIS ONE!

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION’S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS! 

 

HEARING AIDS 

BAND AIDS 

ROLL AIDS 

WALKING AIDS 

MEDICAL AIDS 

GOVERNMENT AIDS 

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS!

This comes  from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70  yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out  Loud.

This is a strictly …..  mathematical  viewpoint… and it goes like  this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever  wonder about those people who say they are giving  more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings  where someone wants you to give over  100%. How about achieving 103%? What  makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little  mathematical formula that might help you answer  these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J  K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is  represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K – 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E  – 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E  – 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T  – 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =  103%

AND, look how far ass  kissing  will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G – 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7  = 118%

So, one can conclude  with mathematical certainty, that while  Hard  work  and  Knowledge will get you close, and  Attitude  will get you there. Its  the  Bullshit  and  Ass  Kissing that will put you over the  top

Now you  know why Politicians are where they  are!

I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula…………..how true it is.

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk shouts, “Yes, I am.”

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks,

“Have you found Jesus, brother?” The drunk answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus!”

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The  preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

(get ready for this)

The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. “Just relax.”

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn’t care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.And then, as he cupped my breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

And then, as he cupped my breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ‘No’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say.

“Okay, ma’am, you can board your flight now.”