An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the Priest slid open the door to the confessional, the man said:”Father forgive me for I have sinned.  During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father.  She started to repay me with . . . er . . . favors – of the carnal knowledge kind.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The Priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people, under those circumstances, can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm… An officer is on the way.’ A few minutes later, the officer radios in ‘Disregard.’ He says. ‘She got in the back-seat by mistake.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts up the stairs and pauses ‘Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, ‘I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood…’ She then yells, ‘I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

‘I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!’  Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex.’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex…’ He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, ‘I’ll take the soup.’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

Now this one is just too Precious…LOL! Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought And thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, ‘How soon do you need to know?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

SENIOR DRIVING  As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!’ ‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went Through a red light.’After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, ‘Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!’

Mildred turned to her and said, ‘Oh, crap, am I driving?’

TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

I couldn’t help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy:  “Man you look tired.”

His buddy says, “Man I’m exhausted.

My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.

She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don’t know what to do.”

A fellow about my age (70+) sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: “Marry her.  That’ll put a stop to that shit.”

Nobody made you keep reading

How can one not love Irish men after so much honesty? No way to confirm if these actually ran in a newspaper but they make for fun reading.

Heavy drinker – 35 Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to starting fights on Patrick Street at three o’clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a born troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and thirsty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21-year-old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20-year-old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

“Help me dear,” she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?””Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” she asks feebly.

“No time at all,” says her husband. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”
___________________________

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, “You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What’s your secret?”

Mickelson replied, “The holes are numbered.”
___________________________

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3, the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?” The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”
___________________________

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, “Ma’am, is that your husband?”

“Yes” says the woman.

“Did you hit him with that golf club?”

“Yes, yes, I did.” The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

“How many times did you hit him?”

“I don’t know –put me down for a five.”
___________________________

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he
could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree,
bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, “Are you a good golfer?”

The man replied: “Got here in two, didn’t I?
___________________________

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
___________________________

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him.”
___________________________

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

When he cried out in anguish, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”The golfer replied that his club had fallen into

The golfer replied that his club had fallen into the water, and he needed the club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

Again, the golfer replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.

The golfer replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.

Sometime later on, the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, when she fell in. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this your woman?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the golfer.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, you would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.”

And God was pleased.

The moral of this story is:  If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

That is the truth!

Speed control being used in Canada  How’s this for effective speed control?

 I don’t know about you, but this would certainly slow me down! People slow down and actually try to “straddle” the hole.

This is an actual speed control device that is currently in use.   It is MUCH cheaper than speed bumps, cameras, radar guns, police officers, etc.

 Pretty clever — especially when they move them around every day.

Isn’t Art Wonderful?

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th-grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she said.

A little girl raised her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.

“The teacher, knowing how precious some children’s stories could become, asked a girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

“That must have been scary,” said the teacher.

“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised her back and went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!’

But before she could say ‘Fuck!,’ the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room

Two Rednecks, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Larry turns to Doug and says, ‘You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.’

Doug thinks it’s a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

‘Logic?’ Larry says. ‘What’s that?’

The dean says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?’

Yeah.’

‘Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.’

‘That’s true, I do have a yard.’

‘I’m not done,’ the dean says. ‘Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.’

‘Yes, I do have a house.’

‘And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.’

‘Yes, I have a family.

‘I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.’

‘I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.’

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

‘Logic? ‘ Doug says, ‘What’s that?’

Larry says, ‘I’ll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?’

‘No.’

‘Then you’re a queer.’