Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $4,000 per month.
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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing…
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Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
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The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, ‘Well, he looks good doesn’t he.’
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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
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I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,……just getting over the hill.
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We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends but just e-mail it to them! It will save you the walk!

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally 
retirees’ behavior that was going on…

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said,
‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, she went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true.
The earth is in decline; 95% of retirees are misbehaving, but 5% are being good…’God was not pleased….!

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.–

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.

As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.”

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said.

“And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.”

“Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.”

“I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

If you are a senior you will understand this one; if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet……..

God willing, someday you will be……

The  2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

‘Sounds good,’ my wife said.  ‘But I don’t want the eggs..’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously.

‘YES!’ stated the waitress.

‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.

‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

WE’VE been around the block more than once!

1. Just let those first impressions last.

2. There are two quotes here. Neither are inspirational.

3. Because it never lasts.

4. Heck, they’d even like you for hating yourself.

5. It’s a dirty job and you get to do it.

6. Everybody dies. It’s better to die looking good, right?

7. Not even yourself in front of a mirror.

8. Because ugliness is only skin deep.

9. Just in case you didn’t crash hard enough yesterday.

10. At least they got up, right?

11. So enjoy that moment because it might be your last.

12. True that!

13. Your selfies will be deeper than the ones without quotes.

14. They have to make up for the lack of numbers.

15. Eliminate the root cause of everything.

16. And food loves you.

17. Some of them you’ll never afford in your lifetime.

18. That says a lot about how they feel about each other.

19. Yeah, stop dreaming, you stalker.

In a crowded New York City at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t.  So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.


With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.


About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.


She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! 
I don’t even know who you are!’  


The Texan smiled and drawled, 
”Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped 
my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

My darling husband.

Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, it’s not too bad and I really didn’t get hurt, so please don’t worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but fortunately, the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.  You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture of the damage for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XXXOOO

P.S. Your girlfriend called.