The Irish never hesitate to come to the aid of their fellow man…air passengers, in this case!

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10-hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

“If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment, and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up —

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

Y’all know Joe is a CPA. Well, he also does tax prep on the side. This is a true story of one of Joe’s clients

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, “before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

“He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, “what’s your occupation?”

“I’m a Lady of the night,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “let’s try to rephrase that.”

“The woman says, “ok, I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

“They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “what does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”

The accountant says, “Chicken Farmer it is.”

After All These Years!!!

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canon laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.” He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R ! We missed the R!  We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…

“CELEBRATE !!! “

Tom was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things: To learn how to invest his inheritance and to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster. ‘

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants  on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” 

The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians are the best.  Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” 

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers.  Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.” 

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.” 

The judge says to a double murder defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”

The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”

Paddy stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I’ve lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.

A fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his new Apple watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

No,” he replies, “I just got this state-of-the-art Apple watch, and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

The pilot says, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”

The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.”

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”

The fighter pilot smirks taps his watch and says, “Darn thing’s an hour fast.”

And that, my friends…….is Confidence!