A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? “

“No,” the woman replied, “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”

Let it sink in and then laugh.

I have questions…

• Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
• If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
• If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
• If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take ‘coffee breaks?’

• What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
• I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
• Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
• Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
• Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

• Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
• Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you’re broke?
• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
• Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
• Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
• Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

• Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
• If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
• Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
• Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
• Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
• Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
• How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
• Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
• Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
• Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:

• The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re OK, then it’s you!

REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine! And a day without sunshine is, like………..night!!!!

Finally, the guys’ side of the story. ( I must admit, it’s pretty good.)  We always hear “the rules” From the female side. Now here are the rules from our side.  

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered “1 ” ON PURPOSE! 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really .

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can – to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can – to give them a bigger laugh.

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.  “Hallo, President Trump, ” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!”

“Well Archie,” Donald said, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Donald paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have at call ya back!”

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment! We have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”

President Trump sighed. “I must tell you, Archie, that I have 16,000  tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”

“Lord above,” said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Trump, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!”

Donald was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”

“Jumpins, Lord tunderin! Two million, ye say!!” said Archie, ” have to call youse back.”

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day “President Trump! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis ‘ere war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Donald. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners.”

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

God Bless Newfoundland!

Ireland –  the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.

The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us” 

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: “DON’T SELL THAT COW.”

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

“To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.

“To my daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

“To my son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize Mr. Smith’s extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.

The wife replies, “The asshole had a paper route.”

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that! 

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well well!

6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.
Oh, no not again!

7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”
And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.”
Oh No!

IT’S CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.”

Have I already sent this to you?

Or did you send it to me?

The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination.  These are actual answers from 16 year olds:

Q. Name the four seasons:
 A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
 

Q. How is dew formed?
 A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  (This is not too bad of an answer!)

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
 A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
 


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
 A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
 


Q. What are steroids? 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.  (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope!)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
 A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
 


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
 A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true!)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
 A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
 A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
 A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant!)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
 A. The body is consisted into 3 parts— the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U. 

Q. What is the fibula?
 A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
 A. Nearby.
 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.  (That definitely would work!)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’?
 A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
 


Q. What is a seizure?
 A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!)

Q. What is a terminal illness? 
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable!)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
 A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant!)

Q. What is a turbine?
 A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.
 (However, sometimes they end up on a head, after an explosion!)

While golfing, a handsome senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.

A very attractive, 40 ish, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you OK?”

“I’m OK, thanks,” he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you with the cart later.”   The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

“That’s mighty nice of you,” he answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now!” she insisted. She was so pretty and very, very persuasive. He was weak. “Well, OK,” he finally agreed.

After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. “Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything…..By the way, where is she?”

He replied, “Still under the cart, I suppose.”