DEAR ABBY: I’ve been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he’s going out with me just for what he can get?
GERTIE
DEAR GERTIE: I don’t know. What’s he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?
CAROL
DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?
KAY

DEAR KAY: Only if they don’t work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?
CURIOUS

DEAR CURIOUS: No, it’s the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?
JAKE

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?
ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE: Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
SAM IN CAL.

DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?
TED

DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, “I’ve heard a lot about you”?
RITA

DEAR RITA: It depends on what you’ve heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
ROSE

DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS

DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS AS HOW TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
(You can’t make up this stuff)

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language, and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered; I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Is there ever a day that sofas are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVOURITE………

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied.’ Get your own fucking blanket.’

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.” “Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans. “He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no ark. “Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed “I needed a building permit.”

“I’ve been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.” “My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.” “I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.” “The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.

“Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.” Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?

“No,” said the Lord. “Your Government beat me to it.”

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’ s not only the passion…Dad she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.  She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a lousy report card that’s in my desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.

To some, this should bring back some memories of travel a long  time ago when 2 lane roads were boring!!!!

For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, Here is a quick lesson in our history of the 1930’s and ’40’s. Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers’ fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet…… And the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.

DON’T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave

TRAINS DON’T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER’S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET’S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN’T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’
HE’S JUST HOPIN’
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER’S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

HE SAW THE TRAIN
AND TRIED TO DUCK IT
HE KICKED THE GAS
AND THEN THE BUCKET !!
Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories ?If not, you’re merely young!!! If they do – then you’re old as dirt. LIKE ME! Have a great day!

Here’s one more I remember that was near Jefferson City, MO on 50 highway.

A MAN  A MISS
A CAR  A CURVE
HE KISSED THE MISS
AND MISSED THE CURVE
Burma Shave