I changed my car horn to sound like gunshots. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers; now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 5 years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom “the John” and renamed it “the Jim.”  I feel so much better saying I went to “the Jim” this morning

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights.”  I’m just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press 1 for English, when you’re just going to transfer me, to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting Lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why I am there.

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”

The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”

“WELL!,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”

“What about your third husband?”

“That one was a Republican”, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.”

Men Are Just Happier People — 
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can be President.
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
• People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
• New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks.
• A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, 
He or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
• Everything on your face stays its original color.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocketknife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. 
Send this to the women who can handle it 
And to the men who will enjoy reading it. 
Men Are Just Happier People

I became confused when I heard the word “Service” used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue ‘Service’
U.S. Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
State, City, County & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ‘Service’ meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘Service’ a few cows.

BAM!!!  It all came into focus.  Now I understand what all those agencies are doing.

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, “I have a Colt .45 with an eight shot clip and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”

A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo”

Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Talking about my  “doing something useful” seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me,” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, “Are you nuts? You ‘re almost 79 years old, and you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”   “I’m in trouble again, and I don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week,” I told her.  She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun